It is not all about weight loss.

Try and try to read your mind

But I forget that patience is a virtue

Your teachin me to hold on tight

And I don’t know how the story ends

But I'll be alright cause you own it

I don’t know where the highway bends

But I’m doing just fine

Cause you’re in control

Even when I don’t know

Where my life’s gonna go

You’re keeping my guessing

- Francesca Battistelli

When I was first banded, I had grand dreams of dropping so much weight in such a short amount of time that people would marvel at me. We’ve all heard the miraculous stories of bandsters who drop 100 pounds in their first 8 months or they go from a size 18 to a size 2 in a year. I will admit, these dreams of grandeur had entered my mind before surgery, but I did not account for the biggest factor in this situation.

God.


He led me to this surgery, but he has had more in mind for me. Instead of repairing me physically with weight loss, he has been strengthening me as a Christian. He has been re-creating my self-concept and self-esteem. All the trials and tribulations I have encountered over the years have built me up, but they have also left pieces if me broken. They have scarred my heart in ways that I could not believe could be healed.

But I was wrong. In the first five months of this crazy weight loss journey, I have found that it is not all about weight loss. It’s about finding the pieces of me that had been lost underneath the pounds and pain I had gained over the years. It would be so easy to be disappointed in myself for not have lost more weight in the past few months, but there is nothing to be ashamed of. I can feel that this is the week that I am finally jumping over the 40 pound hump I’ve been stuck at. I can feel that this New Year, this new decade and this new attitude will change everything. My life is at an impasse and I cannot describe how blessed I feel. This is the time when things change and I can’t thank God enough. He has led me here and guided my way. He deserves the glory.

So, as I begin my first senior semester at college, I reflect. I’ve had a scarred heart, but now I don’t. I have four scars on my stomach that no one sees, but me. And I have a completely healed heart that God has tended to, and for that I am good as new.


God bless.

New hair.

I feel the need to share my new hairstyle with my faithful followers (and I wanted to see if I could really blog from my phone!)



Brunette!




Looking smart... Kind of?

Good night all!

• This entry was blogged without border's from my iPhone!

1mt1mt.

I’d like to share with y’all a guilty pleasure I have, and no, it has nothing to do with food! I absolutely love following motivational speakers. Something about these dynamic personalities intrigues me and speaks to me in a way I can not describe. I have one motivational speaker that I’ve been following for over five years and another that I just discovered. The new one has a motto that I feel can be extremely helpful to everyone, no matter what their walk in life includes.

Before I jump into the meat of this blog, let me introduce our new friend. I say “our” because I am sure that his inspritational words will give you something to relate to! So, meet Josh Sundquist.

This photo was taken by Raylee Honeycutt at the National FFA Convention in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Josh is a dynamic motivational speaker who has an amazing story. I do not feel like I can’t truly do his story justice, so visit his website here. Even better, buy his new book! It comes out later this month and I am certain we can all use an extra dose of motivation. Furthermore, visit his blog. During the short time I have been following Josh's work, I have learned a lot. I've expereinced a good bit of self-discovery and I almost always get a good dose of humor-something we could all use. Now, I will end my "commercial mode," and we are onto "1mt1mt."

Before you ready the rest of this entry, check out this video. This concept came from Josh and he does an excellent job of explaining it.

Click to watch YouTube video!!

I will admit that the first time I heard this concept; I did not directly relate it to my own life and struggles. I am not the exact definition of athletic and my goals are hard to compare to any type of Olympian. But as I work to change my frame of mind, this simple idea keeps sneaking into my brain. What are those small things that I can do to help me? What’s that one thing I can do one more time, then another time and then make it a habit?

Was it deciding that I did not need to “settle” again? Was it closing the refrigerator without getting something out? Is it getting another glass of water? Is it buying another pair of shoes because I feel like I’m worth it? Essentially, it is all of the above. All these little things add up in the long run and I need to keep the little accomplishments in mind.

And so do you. I don’t care who you are, how we know each other or what’s going on in your life… I want to know: what is that THING? What is your 1mt1mt? Leave a comment and share. I want to know your side of this story!

Welcome to 2010.

Before I jump into the “New Year’s Resolution” boat, I would like to reflect… I started 2009 with no hopes, no resolutions and no idea what the year would hold for me. If you would have told me a year ago that I would welcome 2010 as a baptized Christian and a blessed lap band owner, I would not believe you. I would not believe that I would find myself worthy of either of those titles, but here I am. Blessed beyond measure and incredibly happy with both of those decisions.

Since we are almost two full days into 2010, I guess I can now state my resolutions without being “too cliché.” But heck, we know that resolutions will always be cliché… No matter how long we wait to make them. So, I’ve decided to change things up a bit this year. I have the cliché resolutions, but what is a goal if there aren’t steps to achieve it? So, I will make mini resolutions each month. And I give all of you full capacity to bother me if I don’t post them. I do need an accountability system, so welcome to the club!

My overall resolutions are as follows:
1. Lose weight. (Thank you lap band for making this a possibility that I can truly keep this year)
2. Try new things. (One a month, at least)
3. Live life. (Step one- keep breathing because that is the basis of living)
4. Continue to strengthen my relationship with God.

January’s Mini Resolutions
1. No Drive-Thru’s: I refuse to swear off fast food completely… Not because I can’t, but because it is not a truly feasible resolution. I need to set myself up for success, not failure. So, for January (and hopefully longer), I will not use drive-thrus. If I “don’t have enough time to cook” I need to at least take the time to park and walk-in. if I really want something, I need to get off my butt and go get it. At the end of the day, if I can’t spare to the time today… Can I live with the fact that I’m slowly cutting time off of my life?
2. My new thing: Go me; I already did something new this month! I went to the horse races last night… a fun experience, even if I am truly terrible at betting. I like to lose money without thinking about it so much!
3. Bible Study: I’d like to start a bible study for the semester. I am working with a friend to hopefully get this ball rolling!

That’s it for now… hope everyone is ready for an amazing 2010!

Single life.

As a college student and woman, there is one frequently asked question: “Why are you single?”

In the past there has been a long and short answer. Both true to an extent, but not very deep.

Short Answer: “I’m honestly too busy for a guy, and you know—long distance would be best so it wouldn’t be a time commitment. Also, guys here just suck.” (For the record, the guys don’t suck; it’s just a good short answer.)

Long Answer: “I just haven’t found the right guy. I mean, I like this guy or this guy, but they are taken. And I’m not exactly their type of girl. I’d probably be more their type if I weighed less. Besides that point, I don’t think I would be secure enough to be with him… I don’t know if I’d be able to handle him flirting like he does. Who do I think I’m kidding? I’m just not someone he would go for…” (Basically, my ugly self-esteem rears its head again. And I am very good at picking the wrong guys…. Just ask my roommates, they’ve heard all the names and their problems. And there have been some questionable guys on my “liked” list, but we will not go there.)


Tonight though, something bigger and more profound has hit me. I was blessed with a really nice guy to be attracted to me. He knows who he is and I guess for some reason he had feelings for me. Unfortunately, I could not make myself like him. And then I got to thinking… WHY NOT? I mean, hello… There is nothing more I could ask for in a guy, but something kept nudging me. The idea that I did not need a boyfriend kept tapping into my brain. Then I thought about it… Do I really need a boyfriend RIGHT now? Honestly, with all the things I am going through; would a guy help or hinder?

So, the wheels kept turning (I was driving and thinking- double turning wheels, go figure). I am on a big journey in the ways of building my self-esteem. I am trying to find the woman that God has perfected me to be, and I am committed to that path. My fear is not just rejection and heart break, but it goes a little deeper. If I am to truly build up my self-esteem, I need to do it without a guy. The only men allowed in this process should be my family, close guy friends and most importantly—God. I can’t risk me becoming confident just to have it all to fall down like a house of cards because a guy became a part of the foundation.

It dawned on me that it was ridiculous to bring someone into my life when it isn’t where it needs to be. God finally broke into my conscious to show me that I have not had a serious relationship for a reason. I am not as self destructive as I thought, I just have not been ready. I do not know when I will be ready, but it is not now. I have finally come to a true peace with being single because I know I am meant to be single. I even went as far too actually show my relationship status on Facebook… Something I hadn’t been showing because I was ashamed of it.

I am blessed to have come to this conclusion. Thank you to the guy who brought it on, even though I’m sorry you had to take the fall for it. For everyone else, thank you for giving your time to read. I will be driving back home tomorrow, so please keep me in your prayers.

God bless!

Personal worth.

I do not value myself enough.
I do not believe that I can achieve everything.
I have low self-esteem.
I am not important.
I do not love myself; therefore I cannot be loved.


Every single one of these things is how I feel almost every day. I can’t pinpoint when I started feeling this way or why it started. The easiest scapegoat is my weight. And now, at this point in my weight loss I am letting my insecurities and low self-esteem kill me. I am letting it affect me so negatively that I can barely type. My fear of facing this is almost paralyzing… But here I go.

I was reflecting earlier why my weight loss has been so slow in comparison to other bandsters. One recurring theme is that I have been busy. I can’t deny that I’ve been busy because honestly—that’s the number 1 word I use to describe my life… “Busy.” I can justify this by saying that I’ve been helping others, my school and partially my community. My club involvement helps groups of students, my studies help the future students I will teach and I strive to be there for my friends as much as possible. I believe without a doubt that all of this is admirable, but I think I’ve gone overboard. I focus so much on my clubs that I conveniently forget to pack healthy foods or plan in advance to bring healthy alternatives. I use my desire to stay awake in class to give me an excuse to consume too much sugar and grab a bite of fast food. And as much as I love my friends and I truly know God wants me to take care of them; I ignore myself. I fully believe that everyone and everything else is more worthy of my time than I am. This is a problem. In fact, this may been THE problem.

I have let my weight loss desires (okay, needs) fall to the wayside because there are bigger things to be done. Things that honestly have NOTHING to do with me. Yes, I get to positively impact my college. Yes, I have a bright future. And yes, I have an amazing group of people that I am blessed to call my friends. But, really… what use is any of that is I am burdened with weight-related sickness. What use is it if I never find that guy to spend the rest of my life with? What use is any of this is I never truly believe I deserve any of it?

As painful as it is to stand on a scale and see a gain or even the same weight from last week, it feels like home. It’s a reminder that I am ingrained to feel less than amazing. It is such a normal feeling, and my body likes it. My comfort in low self-esteem is ruining my potential. I have set up shop in this mindset and it is keeping me down.

Before I continue, I have a feeling that I know what you are thinking. Most people seeing a bubbly, happy Ashley. Some of you have seen me low or read about my lowest moments, but my positive outlook can seem overwhelming. I do view myself as an optimist, but not towards myself. I find myself putting up a façade of being perfectly okay, and most days I am. But then again, some days I have just fooled myself. I believe in the best of the world and I believe I can achieve anything I set my mind to, but some things are not included in that. I am so used to failure in weight loss that anything gain means nothing… it is just commonplace. Maybe I’ve been hiding my true self because I despise too much negativity, but then again… Maybe I am normal; I just don’t view much about myself to be normal. Insecurities happen; I just conquer them as I should.


So, what now? I know without a doubt that I am fighting a battle within. I battle between the desire to be healthy (and I’ll admit it—desirably), extremely low self-esteem and the strong ability to avoid thinking and doing things just for me. I feel that the next few weeks I spend at home will be greatly needed. I need to reflect on who I am and to do things FOR ME and more importantly, for my health—physically and self-esteem. I need to swim because it makes me happy and healthy. I need to read because it relaxes me. I need to come up with too many plans for too many things because it reminds me that I was blessed with an overactive imagination. I need to spend copious amounts of time with my family because their unconditional love has kept me afloat my entire life.

And almost most importantly, I need to reflect on the woman that God has created in me. I know that God has made a perfect creation in me; I just need to let that come into my thinking every day. He has washed me clean of the girl I was on December 6 through baptism and now I need to grow anew. My faith needs to be my guidance through this process. I know that I am amazing because God designed me. I just need to figure out the pathway between knowing and letting that effect the way I think and view myself.

New entries soon.

I have not done as well as I need to. I will be driving nine hours to get home within the next few days. I will meditate during this time and get back to y’all. I apologize for lacking in enthusiasm…. But I’ll report soon.