Photo update!

My mom and I on one of the bikes... Ridiculous

Jett, me and Dan - These are two of my older friends :) They are in a band and this was between one of their sets!

Jade and I at the Ag Education & Communication Banquet.

Okay... No matter what, I will ALWAYS love to bake. And I will always look goofy doing it!

Well, guess I can share what the guy looks like... This is Luke :)

Oh yeah.... That motorcycle? One of TWO that my parents rode up to campus on...

... IN ALL LEATHER. Welcome to my life. Yes, my parents are cooler than me.

My parents and cousin joined me at CASNR Honors Banquet. One of my last duties as an overacheiver :) This was the day I went blonde for the summer!

Tandi (roomie) and I before going out! My shirt is actually a dress, but I think it's cuter as a shirt! I am kinda in love with clothes... Oh yes, that is Ace in the corner- Ruler of our House

Tandi and I this week relaxing! Starting off summer in a nice way :)

Okay, usually I'm very cautious about "alcohol" pictures, but this is just too fun to pass up. For the record, I am 21 and no I didn't drive. I've known these three since Summer 2006... Four years later and we are still as goofy as ever!

These were my favorite khakis. I tried to wear them the other day and it didn't work out very well. Sad... NOT!

My newest shorts (yes, they are short!) over my old pants... Progress?

I really love this picture for unknown reasons. Oh well, I think it's cute!

Hope you've enjoyed my pictures! Thanks for keeping up with me!

Planner.

I am a planner. Or I was a planner. Maybe I’m a mix between a planner and a go-with-the-flow girl. Probably not. I guess as of recently, I’ve been relaxed… or, shall I hazard to say—normal?


Yesterday I was bebopping down to street doing errands for work and reveling in the fact that for once I felt relaxed. My mind was meandering through different topics, but one thought literally stopped me in my tracks (literally).

There is more to life than planning and worrying about tomorrow.

WHAT? Hello, Ashley from even a month ago—LISTEN TO THIS! This thought was such a refreshing change of pace from what usually happens in my head.

Here’s what usually goes on in my brain: "Ugh, I need to send that email. Crud, I forgot to call so and so. I really need to make that reservation. I need to decide on a grad school. Wait, I need to take my GRE. Do I still want a doctorate? Will I have time to cook dinner tonight? Should I run when I get home? Am I getting paler? What time is it? Oh no, I’m running late again. I need to fill up my gas tank. I wonder if I can go see Paige this weekend. I need to CALL Paige. How many kids do I want? I really need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. I wish I had time for a nap. I wonder what kind of house I want to live in. I need to choose what breed of dog I’m getting in a year. When am I going to do my senior portraits? Oh look… a butterfly."

Ok, this may be an exaggeration, but you can imagine how much I worry and plan in my head on a daily basis. It’s a lot. No joke. So, what has changed? What has helped me to shift ever so slightly? I can’t specify one perspective-altering moment, so I will hit all the major points.

• I’ve been given FREEDOM. That’s right… I’m retired from all but one of my office positions and I am free. Don’t get me wrong, I feel very blessed to have served and given back, but I’ve changed. I’ve never been a Resume Renegade, but I feel like that’s what has happened. I may have a nice resume, but that doesn’t mean anything. Yes, I’ll get a job. Yes, I LOVE what I’ve done. But, how does that get me what I truly want? Yeah… it really doesn’t.

• Summertime—I am happier during the summer, therefore I think better and freer.

• The man. Or my man. Or the boyfriend. Wait, did I just say boyfriend? You bet I just did! That’s right… it’s official, and that is still mind boggling to say. In a good way of course : ) Regardless, this whole thing has taught me something amazing. Well, I guess it reaffirmed something. I’ve always known what I wanted in a guy. But it’s taken this whole thing for me to see what God has always known I needed in a guy. I’ve needed someone to balance me and make me see that planning isn’t everything. That thought alone makes me smile… I like being at peace with where I am. I like the peace of knowing that God knows what best for me and my tomorrow is in His hands.

I am still planning, but I don’t feel like I need something concrete. I will decide on grad school when the time comes. I’ll pick a dog later. I’ll worry about marriage and kids and all that when the time is right. These things don’t matter today. What matters is that I am happy. I am content. My heart isn’t frozen in fear and my smile is genuine.

This is the life, and I am loving every moment of it.

Fifty-one.

Guess WHAT! That's right... I hit the 50 pound lost milestone. Actually, it's up to 51 pounds lost!! 

I was a complete bubble of joy when I weighed in and I feel like this is finally real. I am losing weight, my confidence is growing and I am ME. Weird, but amazing.

I may have had a little too much fun doing my mini photo shoot. Regardless, I AM HAPPY!!

Thanks for your continued support! Much love and God bless!

Brother.

I will not lie… there are millions of struggles I face in relation to my band and weight loss in general. It’s not easy, but it certainly is helping me grow and to learn more about myself.


I’ve been struggling with my swim class lately. Call it a loss of motivation or a dash of Senioritis—doesn’t matter why, just that I’ve been feeling myself slow down.


The other day we were in class and doing this hellacious sprint drill called a “Fartlek.” This Swedish sprint drill was adapted for our class, so we have to sprint swim and then slow swim and repeat for waaaay too long. About halfway through I was wanted to quit. I wanted to make up an excuse and just let myself rest. But I couldn’t and I knew I needed to find my motivation—and QUICK.

Then this thought popped into my head… “Be like Arron.”

You might be confused, but if you know my brother; you definitely should not be confused. When it comes to exercising, my brother is my polar opposite. His dedication and passion for working out and being a badass at the gym makes us look like we aren’t related. His ability to combine his knowledge, research, Type A personality and strength is inspiring.

I can’t promise that my exercise program will ever match Arron’s, but maybe I can channel his spirit? I mean, we both got our genes from the same place… doesn’t that mean we can be the same in some rights? It’s been entirely too easy to be intimidated by what he has done and what he is doing, but I shouldn’t be. I should be feeding off of his success because if he can do it—maybe I can too?

This is all food for thought, but there is something extra. I’d like to wish my brother the best of luck this weekend. When I say he is dedicated, I am not kidding. He is doing the MS 150… Yes, he is a badass. He has raised $855.00 (his goal was $400... such an overacheiver) to date and has only been training and fundraising for a short about of time. If you are interested in Arron’s journey, you can check out his MS 150 site here: Arron's MS150 Blog

Good luck to my brother!

Arron and I last October

Arron and the marshmallow man we made to portray him. :)

Update.

World’s Most Random Update


• I got a fill today! I am up to 8 units… go me, I get my lucky number!

• The guy from my last entry? Yeah… that’s back on. I’m happy, so all is good.

• I have an internship for this summer! Therefore, I won’t be going back to Houston.

• I am tanning for the month of April. I don’t care how superficial it is, I like not being pale. In the words of my roommate—“Tan fat is sexier than pale fat.” True and it’s relaxing!

• MY LIFE IS SLOWING DOWN! Hard to believe eh?

• My weight has been yo-yoing, but it’s back on the decline.

• I need help on my clothes and shoe buying habit. :)



How about some pictures? I’ll update with some soon!

Two months.

Two months. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a full two months, but it was pretty close.

I found a guy that I liked; well I didn’t exactly find him… I just got the nerve to do something about it—two months ago. I stood up for myself, but was asked to wait. I like to view myself as a reasonable person, so I agreed. I agreed to wait. Now, don’t go telling me that that was dumb. Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t have waited because I refuse to believe that. I fully believe that I did what I needed to do, and here is why.

I am impatient. Well, I thought I was impatient. I am the type of woman who wants what she wants—now. But I waited. Now, I’m not a good waiter and these two months of waiting have taught me a few things.

1. I don’t mind the wait, but only texting is what scares me. There is something about phone conversations, or simple face-to-face interactions that calm the nerves. I guess you can say I haven’t had the best luck with only texting, but that is a story for another time and place.
2. I used to believe that I wasn’t a fan of “nicknames.” This is false. When the right guy calls me a name that makes me smile, then it’s okay.
3. I am perfectly able to stand up for myself. A few people have seen my stumble with this concept over the past few months, but I did it. And I feel good about that. This reaffirms that I will never be a woman who loses her power to an undeserving man.
4. I’ve also gained a deeper understanding of what I need from a man. A list of wants and needs in a man is not good to have, but I understand what would fit best with me. I’ll be honest, I will certainly need a strong (mentally, not physically) man to balance with my hard-headedness.
I am a strong believer of having no regrets. Everything happens for a reason, so I’ve just decided to find the silver lining and blessings in disguise now, instead of later. I will admit that part of me is sad for a lot of reasons that I don’t want to share, but what good will that do? Not much. There is no need to wallow what never was.

What I will do is share some song lyrics. (They don’t necessarily reflect how I feel, just some songs that have been rolling around on my head and playing on my iPod)

It's gonna be a hard row, but it'll be worth it
'Cause I know, underneath the surface
What's a-waiting if you dig a little deeper down
Keep doin' what you're doin', patiently
'Cause nothin' worth growin' comes easily
Lovin' me's gonna be like workin' unbroken ground.
- Gary Nichols—Unbroken Ground


Washed away the pain
and made me new
What an unlikely angel
sacrificing all she can
what an unlikely angel
for an undeserving man.
- Jason Jones—Unlikely Angel


Well everything changes baby,
Ain't nothin' in this whole wide world ever stays the same.
Your future plans were nothin' but sunny days,
And now you're standing out in the pouring rain.
Well how could anyone pick up your heart,
Just to watch it fall?
And that lighthouse that stood on the hill for you,
Now don't shine no light at all.
- The Great Divide—Break in the Storm

Well, this has been a long entry for me, so I’m going to get on with it! Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

Survival of the fittest.

It’s human nature to want to be the strongest. I guess its natures law—Survival of the Fittest. Not literally (well, sometimes literally), but mostly mentally. We want to have everything together and to be sure of ourselves. Even in the moments when we share our weaknesses, we feel a sense of strength. We tell ourselves that our ability to share the weak is still strength. And when we hide the weak, we feel strong because no one knows better.

Why? Yes, saying we are programmed to be strong and amazing (yes—we are amazing) is an easy way out of explaining things, but it’s not the truth. Why do we care so much about being the strongest, the best and essentially untouchable.

I’m not speaking down on those who do this because I am the epitome of this. I don’t like being viewed as weak and I attempt to be the best. And you may not see this, but I had wished I was untouchable. I hate the pain of being hurt and the vulnerability of putting myself out there.

This is one thing I slowly see changing. I am no longer constantly viewed as happy, bubbly Ashley and more people know about how I feel. I guess this blog has helped me in this. As I get more comfortable in my writing and I get less skittish about talking about things, I can feel I’m growing.

I know I have my own unique strength. I know I’ve built walls around certain parts of my, but as I get stronger those walls are slowing coming down. I imagine those old school cobble stones that have built walls inside of me, and I see each one slowly coming down. Instead of walls, they are forming one heck of a foundation. I’m not sure what the foundation is for, but I’m happy to know it there.

I’m happy to know that the smile that lights up my face is becoming more genuine. I’ve gotten to the point that I will look in the mirror and be caught off guard. I am stunned by the smile that has been gracing my face lately. There is something comforting about seeing a genuine smile, especially when that smile is your own. Instead of seeing tired eyes and a force grin, I see a smile of pure joy. I see happiness and strength—something I wasn’t fully aware that I was missing.

So, I want to know… why are you strong? I know you are strong; we all are, but why? What walls do you have and what part of you do you strive to keep untouchable? And most importantly… what does your smile mean? Are you guarded or happy?