The comfort of bad decisions.

I don’t have a clue how much I weigh right now. I have a feeling that I should be grateful for this fact because its feels obvious that the number will break me right now. Since I’ve been in DC, slightly over a month, I have made very few good food choices. I haven’t exercised like I promised myself I would and I’ve allowed myself to get distracted.

As I was eating lunch today, I looked at my tray and thought to myself, “Basically none of this is good for me. Well, except for the orange juice. In fact, none of the food choices I’ve made today have been good, except for maybe the mini whole grain bagel this morning. Which was countered by numerable other bad choices.”

So, if I know the things I’m eating are terrible for me, why the heck am I eating them? As par to my usual self-questioning, I had yet another revelation. I take comfort in making bad decisions. Decisions that I know the primary, secondary and tertiary consequences of.

I understand that by eating bad I gain weight. I understand that fat/overweight/obese people have a plethora of diastases, health problems, and lower life quality. I understand that I am harming myself physically and emotionally, along with those who ardently support me. Yes, I know this. I understand this.

Evidently, I’m not applying this. So, why? Why the heck do I make these decisions? There is only one reason that comes to mind.

Simply, because I can. Because I know the risks and I’m taking them anyways. I’ve found myself at a point in my life where I am not certain of much. I’m not sure where most of my decisions will lead me. I graduate college in 236 days and yet I don’t have a clue. Truthfully, I’m worried. I crave some sort of stability. Sadly, this stability is only coming around in the form of pounds.

I know I have a stable group of family and friends. I have an amazing support group... I have the best parents who love my unconditionally. I have great friends across the country (okay, maybe just Texas and DC) who stand by me. I even have a truly wonderful boyfriend who compliments me often. Sadly, I feel like I left my confidence in Texas. I need to find my new confidence and build it in this new place.

So, in true style to myself, I have a “To-Do” List

1. Empty my cabinet of all unhealthy foods.
2. Go shopping to restock healthy foods.
3. Go RUNNING tonight. No matter what.
4. Remind myself that I am worth the effort. ***