New entries soon.

I have not done as well as I need to. I will be driving nine hours to get home within the next few days. I will meditate during this time and get back to y’all. I apologize for lacking in enthusiasm…. But I’ll report soon.

Night Routine.

Before I embark on another blog (yes, second one within a 24-hour period!), I wanted to let y’all know that my doctor’s appointment did not happen today. Evidently the doctor was sick and I left the office extremely defeated. I’m already extremely behind in my fill schedule and I can’t get in for another two weeks. That means I will be at 3 months by the time I get a fill. Needless to say I was upset, but after a little crying and talking to my dad, I found the silver lining. But enough about that!

So, I’ve decided to begin a concrete night routine. I’ve shied away from this because my nights are always all over the place, but the time has come. There are 2 things I will do from now on.

First off, I will run/jog/walk/dance every night. I’ve noticed that in addition to good exercise, this keeps me in good spirits. I obviously need exercise and this is the best for me. I can do gyms and the like, but my schedule doesn’t always allow the hoopla involved in a gym run. Therefore, my neighborhood and park will remain my gym for the time being. Tonight I added some upper body work outs at the playground too… I’m sure I looked mighty entertaining, but hey- it worked!

The second (and most important) part of my routine is my Bible time. I’ve never read the entire Bible, so I’ve decided to fix that. I bought a One Year Bible and I am working my way through it… one day at a time. I’m really happy to be doing this because I believe this is extremely important for me. Especially since I have decided that I want to be baptized… that’s right! I want to be baptized and I am meeting with my college minister in a few weeks! This makes me happier than I can explain, but I will be sure to keep the blogosphere informed on this development in my life!

Well, this is it for now. I hope all is well and God bless!

Self-Esteem.

It is so stereotypical to say that as a fat girl I had low self-esteem and considerably less self-confidence. Regardless of how often you here of these problems, this is still something I have been battling lately. It’s always been a fight, but its been a tougher one lately.

Last week I went through my first interview for an internship I really want. I bought a new pair of pants and wore an older sweater I have. As I changed my attitude kept sinking lower and lower. I felt so down on the fact that I wasn’t the stereotypical look of a good intern. There is such a pressure to be perfect that I felt like I was falling into a pit of despair. Okay, that may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it still felt really bad. I wanted to walk into the interview and just say, “Hey, I’ve lost over 25 pounds and by the time I get to this internship in the fall, I should look even drastically different.” I did not do this, but it kept nudging me in the back of my mind. They all had copies of my resume and application, but what’s to promise that they truly saw that? Was my fat blinding to them? I am extremely blessed that after the interview God’s grace is giving me an incredible sense of peace. I know that he will lead me where I am meant to be and that I should not worry about this single outcome.

Besides interviews and the like, my low self-esteem is leaking into my nonexistent love life. Honestly, I am generally happy with the single life because I generally don’t have time for a guy, but times do change. Blame it on getting older or a change in the people around me, but I’ve been feeling the loneliness lately. And with that I’ve been looking at guys differently. Sadly though, even if I when I feel something, I fight it. I don’t feel good enough about myself to allow myself to like anyone worth liking. I don’t feel pretty enough or smart enough to allow myself feelings. Its getting tiring to be perfectly honest… I know they say that guys who’s focus on the outside are shallow and not worth to time, but it’s still a part of life.

So basically, this is what is going on within my life right now. I have a doctor’s appointment with a bariatrics doctor today! Hopefully I can get a fill soon and get rolling again. I have more info to share, but that will wait till later.

God bless,
Ashley

Food as an Addiction

I know I have been a terrible updater, but on my way home today I knew I needed to confront this obstacle. Before you read further you need to know that this entry will not be as “happy” as the other ones and may be a little much, but everyone has their own problems—this is mine.
I am addicted to food. There is no if, ands, or buts about it. I love food and it does something that is not pretty to me. I can go awhile without having a need to eat anything and everything, but when it hits, it scares me. I guess this has been a part of my life since I could remember… I have childhood memories of sneaking food and always having food on mind. I’m sure there are psychological reasons for why I depend on food so much, but that isn’t important. What is important is understanding I have a problem and taking progressive steps to change or modify it.
Something I’ve been doing is consciously understanding that when I eat “bad,” it’s not the end of the world. I just need to balance what I am doing. I need to run more, run harder, swim longer or swim harder. Basically I need to put the extra calories to work instead of feeling guilty. Guilt does not burn calories, sadly enough. One may think that eating less at other times could work, but that hasn’t been working for me. When I have less calories during the day, I feel like I can binge when I get home. A habit that led me to gain 1.6 pounds last week. A habit I refuse to keep. A habit I will break because I want to, not just because I have to.
This addiction is a scary one… the amount of food I can consume, and have consumed, in short amounts of time when no one is looking is terrifying. My ability to do this is a carefully honed craft, but addictions are never safe. You will probably hear about this multiple times, but at least I am admitting it and sharing. This is my step one….

(And my second step is running tonight to counteract how bad I ate tonight.)

So, I have been a terrible blogger, but I hope to rectify that with another entry today.

Yesterday marked two weeks from my surgery today and I have felt absolutely amazing! Yesterday also brought my second weigh in and a grand total of seventeen pounds lost! I can’t physically tell the difference, but I feel really good. I lost thirteen pounds during week one (thanks a lot liquid diet!) and then 4 pounds this past week. This blog isn’t just about the weight I’ve lost, but about lessons learned as well.

So, I have a few tips… nothing too earth shattering and they aren’t all serious, but free information should always be wanted!

• Let’s be honest, protein and protein shakes is just not always appetizing. So, during this past week I have found two different options that have made the protein supplement experience supremely better. First off, EAS Protein (chocolate) tastes wonderful when combined with warm water. To be perfectly honest, it taste astoundingly like hot chocolate; and who doesn’t love a good cup of hot chocolate—especially if it has some health benefits and 20 grams of proteins? The second tip for protein consumption comes in a morning favorite. If you get some instant coffee and add a school of GNC vanilla or the EAS chocolate, it is not only a good replacement for sugar and creamer, but it also makes a daily ritual healthier.

• I am a huge fan of baking. If not just for the fact of eating, but the calming effect of starting something and finishing it. I feel that while cooking there is a lot of taking some cookie dough here and taking the crumbs when you cut up your brownies… basically we consume a lot of calories without even trying. So, two small tips. When baking cookies, pay the extra to buy the break and bake. Basically you are less likely to eat the cookie dough if it is already cut into perfect squares. And then there is a new contraption for baking brownies. It has dividers in it so your brownies are already cut when they are baked. Another fabulous way to avoid picking at crumbs for continuously cutting yourself an extra little sliver.

So, there are my two tips for the day. They are fairly lengthy, but hopefully they are partially helpful. Best of luck and God bless!

& the Blessings Keep Coming.

As I have continued on my journey, I have become more aware of the blessings that are surrounding me. These blessings, big and small, are weaving themselves as a cocoon of protection around me. I can’t thank the Lord or those around me enough for what they have been doing for me, purposely or not.

First off, my friends that have found out about the surgery have been absolutely amazing. The amount of people who care to discuss what I am going through has been a huge relief. Knowing that people believe in me and love me for who I am, not what I weigh, is such a relief. I always knew that my friends liked me for me, but then has just shone a light on it once again. As my first week turns into my first month and year, I know I will continue to cherish the friends who believe in me.

Another blessing came from a suggestion of a friend. She told me to check out www.lapbandtalk.com. I had no clue what to expect, but this is a tool that has been invaluable thus far. I stumbled upon the chatroom on the website and it was like finding home. I found people who understand the battles of being overweight and that have or want to truly change the direction of their lives. These people, from their many different places and backgrounds, understand what I am going through. This is something that has made me feel so secure in what I am doing. They are also amazing in the fact that they can answer some pretty intense and random questions. This is a tool that I am incredibly blessed to have.

I was also blessed with family members that understand weight problems. From people who have had the lap band to those who have dealt with their weight in other ways, it’s great to have those resources to talk to. I’ve had two wonderful conversations with two separate family members that have given me great insight and strength. These two know who they are. Also my parents and brother have been amazing in their support for me. They are doubly amazing for putting up with me as I’ve recovered from surgery. Patience is a virtue they definitely have to have put up with me!

There are many other things that I have been blessed with, but I guess we should save those for next time! Once morning rolls around I will weigh in for the first time- wish me luck!

God bless

Post surgery.

It’s taken me awhile to get my brain back into blogging mode because I’ve been up and down since my surgery. This entry will be relatively long, so we will start a few days ago.

So, I didn’t get my official surgery time till last Tuesday. I was a little freaked because my surgery was to be on Friday and I was just convinced that everything would fall apart. When I got the call I was just in shock… I was relieved, excited, but incredibly nervous. I was still worried about the fact that things wouldn’t go right. I had all the scenarios that led to me not getting the band and always being my overweight self. I am a big time worrier, so this was not much of a surprise to me.

Fast forward to Friday, also known as surgery day. My mom took me to the surgery center and I went in for all my pre-op preparations. All the glory of getting into a stylish gown, peeing in a cup, starting my IV and getting situated in my bed. It wasn’t until I was on the bed that I truly got sad. As they took me into the operating room and moved me to the operating table, it hit me… this is conceding defeat. No matter how strong I am or how much good I have done, this is failure. I started crying as they put me under and I went into surgery.
The second I woke up from surgery, my first question was: Do I have it? And viola, I was a newly banded 20 year old. The nurses got me up slowly and I had to drink a small amount of water. Then after a bit I was moved to a different chair and then taken to do a swallow test. Evidently my band was perfect, or that’s what they said. After a simultaneously long and short time in post-op I was allowed to go home. The entire ride home I was in pain and remained that way until my dad got home with some amazing pain meds. My first day was a slight blur of sleep, well wishes and a lot of support.

The weekend went by with minimal excitement, but Sunday night was a bad one. I’m not sure what brought it on, but I just started bawling. Literally. My pre-op insecurities came flooding back to me and I couldn’t stop it. I knew I needed this surgery and that it was a blessing from God, but I still felt overwhelmingly like a failure. I know most people say that crying does not help anything, but it did for me. I acknowledged how I felt and then God showed me some very important things. It became evident that this surgery was not just for me. Yes I need to be healthy and more confident, but there are people around me that can benefit from this surgery. There are people out there that I can help by helping myself. This revelation changed everything for me and I am incredibly blessed.

So here I am, on day 4 and I am doing good. I am hungry, but I am keeping food down. I have only thrown up once and that was one day one after moving too much. I feel like this is the best thing I could have done and I’m extremely happy.