It is so stereotypical to say that as a fat girl I had low self-esteem and considerably less self-confidence. Regardless of how often you here of these problems, this is still something I have been battling lately. It’s always been a fight, but its been a tougher one lately.
Last week I went through my first interview for an internship I really want. I bought a new pair of pants and wore an older sweater I have. As I changed my attitude kept sinking lower and lower. I felt so down on the fact that I wasn’t the stereotypical look of a good intern. There is such a pressure to be perfect that I felt like I was falling into a pit of despair. Okay, that may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it still felt really bad. I wanted to walk into the interview and just say, “Hey, I’ve lost over 25 pounds and by the time I get to this internship in the fall, I should look even drastically different.” I did not do this, but it kept nudging me in the back of my mind. They all had copies of my resume and application, but what’s to promise that they truly saw that? Was my fat blinding to them? I am extremely blessed that after the interview God’s grace is giving me an incredible sense of peace. I know that he will lead me where I am meant to be and that I should not worry about this single outcome.
Besides interviews and the like, my low self-esteem is leaking into my nonexistent love life. Honestly, I am generally happy with the single life because I generally don’t have time for a guy, but times do change. Blame it on getting older or a change in the people around me, but I’ve been feeling the loneliness lately. And with that I’ve been looking at guys differently. Sadly though, even if I when I feel something, I fight it. I don’t feel good enough about myself to allow myself to like anyone worth liking. I don’t feel pretty enough or smart enough to allow myself feelings. Its getting tiring to be perfectly honest… I know they say that guys who’s focus on the outside are shallow and not worth to time, but it’s still a part of life.
So basically, this is what is going on within my life right now. I have a doctor’s appointment with a bariatrics doctor today! Hopefully I can get a fill soon and get rolling again. I have more info to share, but that will wait till later.
God bless,
Ashley
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You are not alone. Sometimes I wish I could wear a before picture around my neck so everyone would appreciate how far I've come. You've got to KNOW and I mean KNOW down deep that you are beautifully and wonderfully made and you are puttin in the work to be a better Ashley not dependent on any one's expectations. Make sure you are working on the inside as much as you work on the outside!
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