Agricultural education.

On a breezy Tuesday evening in Washington, DC, I was in the basement of St. Peter’s Catholic Church. In the few minutes before class started, the few of us at our table sat and exchanged pleasantries. With the revelation that I was a Texan spending the semester in DC, one of the ladies across from my starting asking about what my plans were. I delved in further and explain that I was a senior education major at Texas Tech University. The norm in this town was for people to assume I was going into government or history teaching, but I politely corrected her to say I was going to teach agriculture.


The confusion I saw on her face was similar to what I had begun to regularly see, but she asked more questions—what level I would teach and what I would teach.

For students pursuing a career in agricultural education across the nation, there is a stock answer. We always answer it plainly and simply, but that night was different. The passion I held so close to my heart decided it needed to shine. So I spoke truly, honestly and most likely fervently about the career I was choosing. I explained the widened scope of agriculture and the infinitely possibilities of what I would teach my students. I recognized a light in my voice, an excitement that I was afraid I had lost. The conversation wasn’t long, but it opened my eyes.

On the night of October 5, 2010, I was reminded of who I really am—in regards to the major I am pursing in college. I was blessed to be reunited with a passion that has been huddled away inside. I was shown that no matter how far I am away from my home or my chosen profession, I will always have a true and deep passion for agricultural education and the National FFA Organization.

The comfort of bad decisions.

I don’t have a clue how much I weigh right now. I have a feeling that I should be grateful for this fact because its feels obvious that the number will break me right now. Since I’ve been in DC, slightly over a month, I have made very few good food choices. I haven’t exercised like I promised myself I would and I’ve allowed myself to get distracted.

As I was eating lunch today, I looked at my tray and thought to myself, “Basically none of this is good for me. Well, except for the orange juice. In fact, none of the food choices I’ve made today have been good, except for maybe the mini whole grain bagel this morning. Which was countered by numerable other bad choices.”

So, if I know the things I’m eating are terrible for me, why the heck am I eating them? As par to my usual self-questioning, I had yet another revelation. I take comfort in making bad decisions. Decisions that I know the primary, secondary and tertiary consequences of.

I understand that by eating bad I gain weight. I understand that fat/overweight/obese people have a plethora of diastases, health problems, and lower life quality. I understand that I am harming myself physically and emotionally, along with those who ardently support me. Yes, I know this. I understand this.

Evidently, I’m not applying this. So, why? Why the heck do I make these decisions? There is only one reason that comes to mind.

Simply, because I can. Because I know the risks and I’m taking them anyways. I’ve found myself at a point in my life where I am not certain of much. I’m not sure where most of my decisions will lead me. I graduate college in 236 days and yet I don’t have a clue. Truthfully, I’m worried. I crave some sort of stability. Sadly, this stability is only coming around in the form of pounds.

I know I have a stable group of family and friends. I have an amazing support group... I have the best parents who love my unconditionally. I have great friends across the country (okay, maybe just Texas and DC) who stand by me. I even have a truly wonderful boyfriend who compliments me often. Sadly, I feel like I left my confidence in Texas. I need to find my new confidence and build it in this new place.

So, in true style to myself, I have a “To-Do” List

1. Empty my cabinet of all unhealthy foods.
2. Go shopping to restock healthy foods.
3. Go RUNNING tonight. No matter what.
4. Remind myself that I am worth the effort. ***

The Hill.

When “outsiders” (I say outsider as if I’m an insider, when we all know I’m actually just a visitor) think of Capitol Hill, they only see one thing. They see the peaceful, serene white dome that depicts the freedom and government that represent our country. If you’ve ventured inside the capitol, you also see the historic rooms that hold the history of our great national and if you watch C-SPAN, you see the new House and Senate chambers where new history (oxymoron) is being made.

Regardless of The Hill you see, I’ve got an inside scoop for you. There are approximately three different Capitols. No, this is not a conspiracy theory. I am not in any way trying to tell you that there are three separate locations; I’m just informing you that Capitol Hill is not the same for everyone at all times.

The main Capitol that people see is the outsider’s view, which I’ve already explain. On the other end of the spectrum, there is the insider’s view—which actually accounts for two versions of the Capitol.

First, we have the Hill when congress is not in session. This version is a little buzz of work, with people being far less stressed. Work gets done, but things are quiet.

But as I learned today, things are completely different when congress is back in session. It’s like a full 180 in almost every right. As I walked out of my building I was greeted with a big red bus that touted a popular Republican statement (pictured) and as I walked the short distance to my office, I noticed a change in the atmosphere. People were striding confidently (real or fake, I’m not sure) towards the capitol in their suits with the appropriate “I’m here to do work” face on. I passed a podium set up on the sidewalk with an intern helping to set a camera’s white balance. Behind him I saw a man feigning confidence as he prepared to go on camera. As I passed the construction that has miraculously gotten near completion over the past few days, I saw two construction workers. One who looked like he has cleaned his hardhat and was ready for an impromptu interview in the need called for it.

Needless to say, the extremely short walk from my house to work was entertaining, and a turning point. It showcased a new Capitol to me. It was the beginning of Session and now I know that I get to acclimate myself to a whole new atmosphere.

To that I say, bring it on. Let’s make these next few weeks entertaining!

What movie is this?

Just an FYI, I’m in Washington, DC, until December. Memory fails me in remembering if I’ve discussed this or even mentioned it recently, and if not—there’s your update.


I got here last Friday and the intervening (almost) week has been an honest whirlwind. We’ve been through a blur of new people, historic places, restaurants and out-of-body experiences. Most of us started our internships and we’ve all survived the first few times on the Metro. We’ve collectively changed water bottles, answered phones, steamed clothes and gotten blisters on our feet. We survived a three hour jaunt to Target with 9 people in tow across the city and half of us have acclimated to walking up to the third floor to get home. I’ve learned that it only takes an 8 minute walk to get from my third floor door to the fifth floor door of my office. I also pass the youngest congressman’s office when I go to work every day. Yes… I believe whirlwind is the best way to describe our experiences thus far, but my experience has a little extra attached to it.


I’ll be the first to admit that it’s all been a little weird. I would say it’s been surreal, but that word doesn’t truly describe what my experience has been. The easiest way to explain it is to say that I feel like I’m in a movie. I see things, but it doesn’t faze me. I experience things and I almost hear the movie soundtrack in the background. This movie is especially one of those where you feel for the characters… you cry, you laugh (a lot) and you get excited when all the characters achieve something momentous. And then you realize this IS NOT a movie, especially when the main character (me) twists her ankle and hits the ground—the usually edit that stuff in the real movies.

Regardless, this experience has been crazy. Don’t get me wrong—it’s been amazing, just slightly crazy. I will try to be better at updating this blog. I’ll also get back to addressing my weight loss and how I’m adjusting here. Before I go, here’s a thank you… All those who are so honestly and adamantly supporting me in my weight loss and in my journey in DC—y’all are amazing. You give my strength to keep going, and for that I am forever grateful.

More to life.

I’m not an athlete, but I’m one of the best runners I know. I break sound barriers and break records unknown to those around me. I’m good at putting one foot in front of the other, over and over again. I can look far ahead; decide where to run to next. I can look over my shoulder to check where I’ve been. I fall and I bounce back up. I get hurt and deal with the pain. I run, unafraid of what I am running to or away from. Truthfully though, I do not like running.

Figuratively or literally. I am best at figuratively running—it’s an art I’ve honed to a tee. My life has been in fast forward for a long time, but more so in the past three years. Always out to prove myself and show that I am worth something beyond my layers of fat. Almost as if every extra pound meant I needed to prove myself in another way, it’s gotten old.

What is there to prove? And moreover, why am I still trying so dang hard? Some people are born to overachieve, but not me. I designed myself that way to compensate for not physically being good enough. I didn’t do it on purpose, but that’s how I feel now. I do not want to be perfect and I certainly don’t want to be in constant search of someone else’s approval.

This is my life and it’s time to do what I want. Finally.

Photo update!

My mom and I on one of the bikes... Ridiculous

Jett, me and Dan - These are two of my older friends :) They are in a band and this was between one of their sets!

Jade and I at the Ag Education & Communication Banquet.

Okay... No matter what, I will ALWAYS love to bake. And I will always look goofy doing it!

Well, guess I can share what the guy looks like... This is Luke :)

Oh yeah.... That motorcycle? One of TWO that my parents rode up to campus on...

... IN ALL LEATHER. Welcome to my life. Yes, my parents are cooler than me.

My parents and cousin joined me at CASNR Honors Banquet. One of my last duties as an overacheiver :) This was the day I went blonde for the summer!

Tandi (roomie) and I before going out! My shirt is actually a dress, but I think it's cuter as a shirt! I am kinda in love with clothes... Oh yes, that is Ace in the corner- Ruler of our House

Tandi and I this week relaxing! Starting off summer in a nice way :)

Okay, usually I'm very cautious about "alcohol" pictures, but this is just too fun to pass up. For the record, I am 21 and no I didn't drive. I've known these three since Summer 2006... Four years later and we are still as goofy as ever!

These were my favorite khakis. I tried to wear them the other day and it didn't work out very well. Sad... NOT!

My newest shorts (yes, they are short!) over my old pants... Progress?

I really love this picture for unknown reasons. Oh well, I think it's cute!

Hope you've enjoyed my pictures! Thanks for keeping up with me!

Planner.

I am a planner. Or I was a planner. Maybe I’m a mix between a planner and a go-with-the-flow girl. Probably not. I guess as of recently, I’ve been relaxed… or, shall I hazard to say—normal?


Yesterday I was bebopping down to street doing errands for work and reveling in the fact that for once I felt relaxed. My mind was meandering through different topics, but one thought literally stopped me in my tracks (literally).

There is more to life than planning and worrying about tomorrow.

WHAT? Hello, Ashley from even a month ago—LISTEN TO THIS! This thought was such a refreshing change of pace from what usually happens in my head.

Here’s what usually goes on in my brain: "Ugh, I need to send that email. Crud, I forgot to call so and so. I really need to make that reservation. I need to decide on a grad school. Wait, I need to take my GRE. Do I still want a doctorate? Will I have time to cook dinner tonight? Should I run when I get home? Am I getting paler? What time is it? Oh no, I’m running late again. I need to fill up my gas tank. I wonder if I can go see Paige this weekend. I need to CALL Paige. How many kids do I want? I really need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. I wish I had time for a nap. I wonder what kind of house I want to live in. I need to choose what breed of dog I’m getting in a year. When am I going to do my senior portraits? Oh look… a butterfly."

Ok, this may be an exaggeration, but you can imagine how much I worry and plan in my head on a daily basis. It’s a lot. No joke. So, what has changed? What has helped me to shift ever so slightly? I can’t specify one perspective-altering moment, so I will hit all the major points.

• I’ve been given FREEDOM. That’s right… I’m retired from all but one of my office positions and I am free. Don’t get me wrong, I feel very blessed to have served and given back, but I’ve changed. I’ve never been a Resume Renegade, but I feel like that’s what has happened. I may have a nice resume, but that doesn’t mean anything. Yes, I’ll get a job. Yes, I LOVE what I’ve done. But, how does that get me what I truly want? Yeah… it really doesn’t.

• Summertime—I am happier during the summer, therefore I think better and freer.

• The man. Or my man. Or the boyfriend. Wait, did I just say boyfriend? You bet I just did! That’s right… it’s official, and that is still mind boggling to say. In a good way of course : ) Regardless, this whole thing has taught me something amazing. Well, I guess it reaffirmed something. I’ve always known what I wanted in a guy. But it’s taken this whole thing for me to see what God has always known I needed in a guy. I’ve needed someone to balance me and make me see that planning isn’t everything. That thought alone makes me smile… I like being at peace with where I am. I like the peace of knowing that God knows what best for me and my tomorrow is in His hands.

I am still planning, but I don’t feel like I need something concrete. I will decide on grad school when the time comes. I’ll pick a dog later. I’ll worry about marriage and kids and all that when the time is right. These things don’t matter today. What matters is that I am happy. I am content. My heart isn’t frozen in fear and my smile is genuine.

This is the life, and I am loving every moment of it.

Fifty-one.

Guess WHAT! That's right... I hit the 50 pound lost milestone. Actually, it's up to 51 pounds lost!! 

I was a complete bubble of joy when I weighed in and I feel like this is finally real. I am losing weight, my confidence is growing and I am ME. Weird, but amazing.

I may have had a little too much fun doing my mini photo shoot. Regardless, I AM HAPPY!!

Thanks for your continued support! Much love and God bless!

Brother.

I will not lie… there are millions of struggles I face in relation to my band and weight loss in general. It’s not easy, but it certainly is helping me grow and to learn more about myself.


I’ve been struggling with my swim class lately. Call it a loss of motivation or a dash of Senioritis—doesn’t matter why, just that I’ve been feeling myself slow down.


The other day we were in class and doing this hellacious sprint drill called a “Fartlek.” This Swedish sprint drill was adapted for our class, so we have to sprint swim and then slow swim and repeat for waaaay too long. About halfway through I was wanted to quit. I wanted to make up an excuse and just let myself rest. But I couldn’t and I knew I needed to find my motivation—and QUICK.

Then this thought popped into my head… “Be like Arron.”

You might be confused, but if you know my brother; you definitely should not be confused. When it comes to exercising, my brother is my polar opposite. His dedication and passion for working out and being a badass at the gym makes us look like we aren’t related. His ability to combine his knowledge, research, Type A personality and strength is inspiring.

I can’t promise that my exercise program will ever match Arron’s, but maybe I can channel his spirit? I mean, we both got our genes from the same place… doesn’t that mean we can be the same in some rights? It’s been entirely too easy to be intimidated by what he has done and what he is doing, but I shouldn’t be. I should be feeding off of his success because if he can do it—maybe I can too?

This is all food for thought, but there is something extra. I’d like to wish my brother the best of luck this weekend. When I say he is dedicated, I am not kidding. He is doing the MS 150… Yes, he is a badass. He has raised $855.00 (his goal was $400... such an overacheiver) to date and has only been training and fundraising for a short about of time. If you are interested in Arron’s journey, you can check out his MS 150 site here: Arron's MS150 Blog

Good luck to my brother!

Arron and I last October

Arron and the marshmallow man we made to portray him. :)

Update.

World’s Most Random Update


• I got a fill today! I am up to 8 units… go me, I get my lucky number!

• The guy from my last entry? Yeah… that’s back on. I’m happy, so all is good.

• I have an internship for this summer! Therefore, I won’t be going back to Houston.

• I am tanning for the month of April. I don’t care how superficial it is, I like not being pale. In the words of my roommate—“Tan fat is sexier than pale fat.” True and it’s relaxing!

• MY LIFE IS SLOWING DOWN! Hard to believe eh?

• My weight has been yo-yoing, but it’s back on the decline.

• I need help on my clothes and shoe buying habit. :)



How about some pictures? I’ll update with some soon!

Two months.

Two months. Okay, maybe it wasn’t a full two months, but it was pretty close.

I found a guy that I liked; well I didn’t exactly find him… I just got the nerve to do something about it—two months ago. I stood up for myself, but was asked to wait. I like to view myself as a reasonable person, so I agreed. I agreed to wait. Now, don’t go telling me that that was dumb. Don’t tell me that I shouldn’t have waited because I refuse to believe that. I fully believe that I did what I needed to do, and here is why.

I am impatient. Well, I thought I was impatient. I am the type of woman who wants what she wants—now. But I waited. Now, I’m not a good waiter and these two months of waiting have taught me a few things.

1. I don’t mind the wait, but only texting is what scares me. There is something about phone conversations, or simple face-to-face interactions that calm the nerves. I guess you can say I haven’t had the best luck with only texting, but that is a story for another time and place.
2. I used to believe that I wasn’t a fan of “nicknames.” This is false. When the right guy calls me a name that makes me smile, then it’s okay.
3. I am perfectly able to stand up for myself. A few people have seen my stumble with this concept over the past few months, but I did it. And I feel good about that. This reaffirms that I will never be a woman who loses her power to an undeserving man.
4. I’ve also gained a deeper understanding of what I need from a man. A list of wants and needs in a man is not good to have, but I understand what would fit best with me. I’ll be honest, I will certainly need a strong (mentally, not physically) man to balance with my hard-headedness.
I am a strong believer of having no regrets. Everything happens for a reason, so I’ve just decided to find the silver lining and blessings in disguise now, instead of later. I will admit that part of me is sad for a lot of reasons that I don’t want to share, but what good will that do? Not much. There is no need to wallow what never was.

What I will do is share some song lyrics. (They don’t necessarily reflect how I feel, just some songs that have been rolling around on my head and playing on my iPod)

It's gonna be a hard row, but it'll be worth it
'Cause I know, underneath the surface
What's a-waiting if you dig a little deeper down
Keep doin' what you're doin', patiently
'Cause nothin' worth growin' comes easily
Lovin' me's gonna be like workin' unbroken ground.
- Gary Nichols—Unbroken Ground


Washed away the pain
and made me new
What an unlikely angel
sacrificing all she can
what an unlikely angel
for an undeserving man.
- Jason Jones—Unlikely Angel


Well everything changes baby,
Ain't nothin' in this whole wide world ever stays the same.
Your future plans were nothin' but sunny days,
And now you're standing out in the pouring rain.
Well how could anyone pick up your heart,
Just to watch it fall?
And that lighthouse that stood on the hill for you,
Now don't shine no light at all.
- The Great Divide—Break in the Storm

Well, this has been a long entry for me, so I’m going to get on with it! Thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.

Survival of the fittest.

It’s human nature to want to be the strongest. I guess its natures law—Survival of the Fittest. Not literally (well, sometimes literally), but mostly mentally. We want to have everything together and to be sure of ourselves. Even in the moments when we share our weaknesses, we feel a sense of strength. We tell ourselves that our ability to share the weak is still strength. And when we hide the weak, we feel strong because no one knows better.

Why? Yes, saying we are programmed to be strong and amazing (yes—we are amazing) is an easy way out of explaining things, but it’s not the truth. Why do we care so much about being the strongest, the best and essentially untouchable.

I’m not speaking down on those who do this because I am the epitome of this. I don’t like being viewed as weak and I attempt to be the best. And you may not see this, but I had wished I was untouchable. I hate the pain of being hurt and the vulnerability of putting myself out there.

This is one thing I slowly see changing. I am no longer constantly viewed as happy, bubbly Ashley and more people know about how I feel. I guess this blog has helped me in this. As I get more comfortable in my writing and I get less skittish about talking about things, I can feel I’m growing.

I know I have my own unique strength. I know I’ve built walls around certain parts of my, but as I get stronger those walls are slowing coming down. I imagine those old school cobble stones that have built walls inside of me, and I see each one slowly coming down. Instead of walls, they are forming one heck of a foundation. I’m not sure what the foundation is for, but I’m happy to know it there.

I’m happy to know that the smile that lights up my face is becoming more genuine. I’ve gotten to the point that I will look in the mirror and be caught off guard. I am stunned by the smile that has been gracing my face lately. There is something comforting about seeing a genuine smile, especially when that smile is your own. Instead of seeing tired eyes and a force grin, I see a smile of pure joy. I see happiness and strength—something I wasn’t fully aware that I was missing.

So, I want to know… why are you strong? I know you are strong; we all are, but why? What walls do you have and what part of you do you strive to keep untouchable? And most importantly… what does your smile mean? Are you guarded or happy?

Appearance.

As I was sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight home, this girl sat in the chair next to me. She had to be in middle school and she reminded me of someone. Her all black clothing, carefully chosen “I don’t care what you think” backpack and need to listen to music reminded me all too well of the girl I used to be me. I’ll admit that I went through a punk or whatever phase when I was younger. I’m certain my parents and family are distinctively happy that it was just that—a phase.


Regardless, this miniature reflection of the girl I used to be has brought something huge to my attention… I have changed. I know I’ve been constantly evolving into the woman (okay, not quite a woman—but I am getting there) that I am today. I think the biggest change has been the pride I’ve taken in my appearance.

I used to not care about what I wore or how I looked. I’d say college was a turning point, but not THE turning point. It wasn’t until this whole weight loss journey began that I truly started to give a shit—to put it frankly.

This change hasn’t been a welcome one for the bank account, but it’s been amazing for the soul. There is something liberating about knowing that this shirt is not a t-shirt, and that I couldn’t fit into this size of shorts a year ago. Something strangely exciting about giving away the clothes that I wore in comfort because they kinda slide off my hips.

The weirdest thing is the fact that I am actually taking care of the assets I had all along. My hair is not always in a pony tail and my face is actually treated with care. I’m getting better about liking my hair how it falls and doing the infamous “run my hand through my hair like I don’t care” trick that they do in movies. I’ve become a fan of Mary Kay and I’m far less likely to just pick up anything.

I actually care now, and this is something that I can hardly believe. Though most people view caring about your looks as a hassle, I love it. Because finally I see myself as worthy. I view myself as good enough to take the time to look good. I matter, and so does how I look… you know, in a good way.

Your words.

When it became “real” that I was going to actually get the Lapband, I decided to keep this blog. I wanted a record of what I was going through in the event that someone accused me of going about weight loss the wrong way. I have since learned that there is no “wrong way” to lose weight, there is just the right way for YOU. And the blog has become more of a log; it has become the play that I visit for a reminder of how far I have come.


The strangest part of this blog has been the following I seemed to have accumulated. My list of “Readers” only says fourteen (who’s counting?), but the support I’ve received has been overwhelming. So overwhelming that I don’t have a clue what to do with.

Each time I get a comment, message or a kind word—I kind of freeze. I’m used to being in the spotlight for school stuff, but nothing as personal as this. I don’t mind sharing my heart or emotions, but the whole thing is slightly foreign.

Even more foreign when people seem to admire me for what I am doing. I don’t feel as if I am any different than anyone. We all have things in our lives that we fight and we overcome—I am no different. The only difference is that I seemed to have put myself in the spotlight. I did not expect to actually be in this spotlight, I just expected for my words to reach those who needed it.

Even though this whole thing has greatly shocked me, I have been blessed. It may boggle my mind that each of you has taken the time to share your kind words, but it also serves as an immense blessing. I have been bad in replying because it has taken me a long time to see myself worthy of your words. As I continue on this journey, I lean on your encouragement more.

Each word you have shared with me has given me extra fuel to succeed. Thank you for your continued support; you have all been a blessing to me.

God bless you all.

Why?

So, today I spoke with my telephone coach. I have been blessed to become a part of a service called “Healthy Roads” and every two weeks I talk to my coach. We set goals and talk about what I am doing right and wrong.

Today our conversation led to “Why do I want to be healthy?"

My first thought was not to avoid illness. It was not to be skinny. It was not to live longer. It was nothing along those lines, but something deeper.

I want to be healthy so I can be a mom. I’m not saying that I want to have a kid today, or tomorrow, not even in the foreseeable future. But I want to be healthy enough that when the time comes, I can be a mom. I want to be able to go through things normally and to be at peace with my body.

With that you can say that once I am a mom I want to be able to run around with my kids and place hide and seek… All those little things that healthy people do better.


So there you have it… My why, which is sometimes more important than the how.

This is my mom and I! No, I'm not this tall! Just standing on a step higher than her :)

Still alive.

I've been a terrible blogger lately, but here's a picture to prove I'm still alive!




I shall post a real entry soon!

• This entry was blogged without border's from my iPhone!

Flying high.

I despise airplane rides. I hate packing things into one (or two) fifty pound bags and having to think about what I’m actually going to wear for the next four or ten days. Too much thought and I can’t predict the weather, my mood or random circumstances that arise. I don’t like sitting next to strangers or that my ears hurt with all that altitude. I really don’t like not being able to listen to music during take-off and landing. I also hate when I start a deep text conversation and then have to shut off my phone. I really don’t like running from one terminal to another or the fear that something will be stolen from my bag during flight.


As legitimate as all these reasons are for dislike flying… they are all just a cover. Up to now I’ve hated being the fat girl on the plane. I hated the difficulties with getting my dang seatbelt on and the discomfort that I feel like I place on those around me.

I flew this past week. Six takeoffs, six landings, and four seatbelts… but it was okay. MY SEATBLET FIT. It didn’t just fit, but I could tighten it. Let me tell you something… I haven’t had to tighten a seatbelt in years, literally. But I did… each time. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted—literally.

I feel accomplished. Will blog more later!

Deserving.

So, if you’ve been keeping track of my subtle (okay, not quite subtle) drama, you know that I hit a good point within my relationship arena awhile back. I was finally okay with the whole “being single” part of my life. I am still okay with the whole debacle, but I guess im ready for something more. Actually, I don’t guess. I know I am. I am getting to the point where I am happy with myself and I'm ready to share the quirkiness that is me with someone else.


After talking A LONG time with a close friend, a few things dawned on me. First off, most guys I’m attracted to don’t fit into my mold. This isn’t really a surprise, but liking a guy who is sixteen types of different from me is a little bit strange—and scary as all get out. Secondly, I am way too much of a planner. This isn’t a new revelation, but thought I would reiterate that. And thirdly, I deserve everything that I want.

This is the bulk of what’s been on my mind today… what exactly do I want? I deserve everything my little heart desires (within reason), but WHAT IS THAT?

So, I guess I will list the various thoughts that have floated in and out of my cerebral matter today…

Things Ashley Wants & Deserves:

- A man who wants me for me (number one, this is non-negotiable)
- A man who believes in God. Faith can be strengthened, but a faithless man is not someone I need to be with at this point in my life

- A man who is easy to smile, especially when I am goofy… which is often
- A man who is productive (I run at the speed of light, he needs to be able to keep up)

- Ambition… Can you imagine me with a man with no ambition? Hahahaha… no really—can you?

- This is really shallow… but any man who is willing to buy me James Avery ranks fairly high on the list (this is more common than you’d expect… James Avery is evidently the key to a lot of girls’ hearts)

- I really, really want a guy who can dance. This would actually make the guy’s life easier because I can hardly be in a bad mood after I’ve been dancing. Talk about easy to please…

In all honesty, besides the top three, all these are flexible. I know this guy is out there, and I know without a doubt that I deserve him. I just need to figure out who he is. I don’t want to seek him out; I just want to recognize him when I see him.

Exercise paradigm.

There has been a deep and profound shift in me. I’ve alluded to this change, but I’d like to explain it a little bit more.


In the past I have never wanted to exercise. I would exercise, but the desire to do so just wasn’t there. There were phases of random exuberance for running and swimming, but nothing that truly made me connect to the act of working out.

I cannot explain what has happened, but I have changed. The “hot word” on my campus these days is paradigm. This word is defined as a pattern in its simplest terms, so I guess you can say I have a new exercise paradigm. The phrase that keeps floating around my head is that, “there has been a shift in my exercise paradigm.”

Let me illustrate what has changed and what’s new in Ashley’s Exercise Paradigm. First off, when I was signing up for classes for this semester I needed a one hour course. On a whim I decided to sign up for a swimming class, but when looking at the various courses; I took a chance. I bypassed the basic swim class, the swim conditioning class and lifeguard training class. I signed up for ADVANCED swimming. Ridiculous? Probably. Good idea? Hopefully!

I decided to challenge myself with a more difficult class because I know all the swim strokes and I did not want an excuse to slack off. So, here I am—in an advanced swim class surrounded by hardcore swimmers. But I’m excited nonetheless. My first class could have been described as a disaster… by anyone else. I was by far the slowest swimmer there, but you know what? Every time I had my head out of the water I was smiling. I felt blessed to be there and I was ready for the challenge. I know I might hate myself some days for the pain this class will cause, but I will kick some butt. I will get faster and I will hold my own. It’s not about winning or being the fastest, it’s about getting healthy and doing things that I used to not believe were possible.

It would be silly for me to say there has been this huge change if I was only exercising twice a week in class; so I took advantage of my newfound desire to work out and set off to do some research. Our Student Recreational Center offers a variety of classes to help students get into shape and learn new fitness skills. My biggest things in my research was to find a class that worked with my class, work and meeting schedule AND a class that I had to pay for. I wanted there to be a monetary commitment to the class so I would be more compelled to attend. It also came to mind that I shouldn’t do a class on the days I swim, so my options were limited. I was originally going to take a Spin class, but it filled up and I was left with one option. One crazy option and an option I decided to take. I am officially a member of an Intro to Triathlon class. YES… Running (gross), biking (not so bad) and swimming (amazing). More importantly… I have to roll out of bed at 5:30 in the morning to make it to my 6:15 am class for an hour and fifteen minutes of torture.

But, GOOD NEWS! I’ve been to this class… TWICE. And I love it! Yes, I am extremely daunted by the whole thing; but our instructor is amazing. Here is an excerpt from an e-mail I sent my brother after my first day:

"So, our instructor started talking about all we will expect to do. Each class we will do 2 legs of practice. So, it will be a run/swim, swim/bike, bike/run, etc. The swim and spin will be done indoors or in the pool. But evidently the running will be more... entertaining? Blaine (instructor) likes to run around campus. He likes running in our parking garage so we have to go up and downhill. He also likes using our arena steps. I may be making my very own Rocky movie with this class!"

On day two we swam and biked. I did well swimming (even though I was having suit issues… dang wardrobe malfunctions!) and not so swell at biking. But I’m in love with this class. Up before the sun and smiling by the time I get out… what more can I ask for?

I’ve been bit by the proverbial exercise bug and my exercise paradigm has shifted—and it feels amazing!

Pictures!

I take a lot of pictures on my iPhone and I usually don't upload them, but now I will! Enjoy!

This is me in my truck. It really has nothing to do with this post, but I love the sun!

This is part of my daily walk! I decided last semester that I would seriously cut down on my bus usage. So, now I walk everyday... Adds 20-30 minutes to my phyiscal work everyday! Even better- the walk gets shorter and shorter everyday!

This is me on my way to my second day of class! I have a picture of my first day that I will add later. But here I am wearing Old Navy! And I wore GAP on my first day! Holy cow! I can fit into these clothes- go me!

OK! AMAZING NEWS- I finally made it over my 40-pound plateau this past week! I have been working hard to finally hit this milestone and I made it! I am definitely on cloud nine now! I have lost 12.89% of the weight I started this journey with- WOW!

I have decided that once I hit my "big goal" I will get one of these pairs of boots. They are made by Old Gringo and I am in LOVE! They are beautiful and a constant reminder of what I want to have! I'm not sure which pair, but there is a preview!

Speaking of Goals... My mom and I picked up these cute tanks at Old Navy. One is an XL and the other is a Large. I am currently in an Old Navy XXL... I want to look good in these by summer! This is on my wall as a constant reminder of what I have pledged to do.

Here I am rocking my 80s sunglasses after New Years! No real purpose for this picture... I just like it!

And this conclude my first picture blog! This are some of the industrial windmills of West Texas. Taken at sunset on my way back to college! Good night all!

It is not all about weight loss.

Try and try to read your mind

But I forget that patience is a virtue

Your teachin me to hold on tight

And I don’t know how the story ends

But I'll be alright cause you own it

I don’t know where the highway bends

But I’m doing just fine

Cause you’re in control

Even when I don’t know

Where my life’s gonna go

You’re keeping my guessing

- Francesca Battistelli

When I was first banded, I had grand dreams of dropping so much weight in such a short amount of time that people would marvel at me. We’ve all heard the miraculous stories of bandsters who drop 100 pounds in their first 8 months or they go from a size 18 to a size 2 in a year. I will admit, these dreams of grandeur had entered my mind before surgery, but I did not account for the biggest factor in this situation.

God.


He led me to this surgery, but he has had more in mind for me. Instead of repairing me physically with weight loss, he has been strengthening me as a Christian. He has been re-creating my self-concept and self-esteem. All the trials and tribulations I have encountered over the years have built me up, but they have also left pieces if me broken. They have scarred my heart in ways that I could not believe could be healed.

But I was wrong. In the first five months of this crazy weight loss journey, I have found that it is not all about weight loss. It’s about finding the pieces of me that had been lost underneath the pounds and pain I had gained over the years. It would be so easy to be disappointed in myself for not have lost more weight in the past few months, but there is nothing to be ashamed of. I can feel that this is the week that I am finally jumping over the 40 pound hump I’ve been stuck at. I can feel that this New Year, this new decade and this new attitude will change everything. My life is at an impasse and I cannot describe how blessed I feel. This is the time when things change and I can’t thank God enough. He has led me here and guided my way. He deserves the glory.

So, as I begin my first senior semester at college, I reflect. I’ve had a scarred heart, but now I don’t. I have four scars on my stomach that no one sees, but me. And I have a completely healed heart that God has tended to, and for that I am good as new.


God bless.

New hair.

I feel the need to share my new hairstyle with my faithful followers (and I wanted to see if I could really blog from my phone!)



Brunette!




Looking smart... Kind of?

Good night all!

• This entry was blogged without border's from my iPhone!

1mt1mt.

I’d like to share with y’all a guilty pleasure I have, and no, it has nothing to do with food! I absolutely love following motivational speakers. Something about these dynamic personalities intrigues me and speaks to me in a way I can not describe. I have one motivational speaker that I’ve been following for over five years and another that I just discovered. The new one has a motto that I feel can be extremely helpful to everyone, no matter what their walk in life includes.

Before I jump into the meat of this blog, let me introduce our new friend. I say “our” because I am sure that his inspritational words will give you something to relate to! So, meet Josh Sundquist.

This photo was taken by Raylee Honeycutt at the National FFA Convention in Indianapolis, Indiana.

Josh is a dynamic motivational speaker who has an amazing story. I do not feel like I can’t truly do his story justice, so visit his website here. Even better, buy his new book! It comes out later this month and I am certain we can all use an extra dose of motivation. Furthermore, visit his blog. During the short time I have been following Josh's work, I have learned a lot. I've expereinced a good bit of self-discovery and I almost always get a good dose of humor-something we could all use. Now, I will end my "commercial mode," and we are onto "1mt1mt."

Before you ready the rest of this entry, check out this video. This concept came from Josh and he does an excellent job of explaining it.

Click to watch YouTube video!!

I will admit that the first time I heard this concept; I did not directly relate it to my own life and struggles. I am not the exact definition of athletic and my goals are hard to compare to any type of Olympian. But as I work to change my frame of mind, this simple idea keeps sneaking into my brain. What are those small things that I can do to help me? What’s that one thing I can do one more time, then another time and then make it a habit?

Was it deciding that I did not need to “settle” again? Was it closing the refrigerator without getting something out? Is it getting another glass of water? Is it buying another pair of shoes because I feel like I’m worth it? Essentially, it is all of the above. All these little things add up in the long run and I need to keep the little accomplishments in mind.

And so do you. I don’t care who you are, how we know each other or what’s going on in your life… I want to know: what is that THING? What is your 1mt1mt? Leave a comment and share. I want to know your side of this story!

Welcome to 2010.

Before I jump into the “New Year’s Resolution” boat, I would like to reflect… I started 2009 with no hopes, no resolutions and no idea what the year would hold for me. If you would have told me a year ago that I would welcome 2010 as a baptized Christian and a blessed lap band owner, I would not believe you. I would not believe that I would find myself worthy of either of those titles, but here I am. Blessed beyond measure and incredibly happy with both of those decisions.

Since we are almost two full days into 2010, I guess I can now state my resolutions without being “too cliché.” But heck, we know that resolutions will always be cliché… No matter how long we wait to make them. So, I’ve decided to change things up a bit this year. I have the cliché resolutions, but what is a goal if there aren’t steps to achieve it? So, I will make mini resolutions each month. And I give all of you full capacity to bother me if I don’t post them. I do need an accountability system, so welcome to the club!

My overall resolutions are as follows:
1. Lose weight. (Thank you lap band for making this a possibility that I can truly keep this year)
2. Try new things. (One a month, at least)
3. Live life. (Step one- keep breathing because that is the basis of living)
4. Continue to strengthen my relationship with God.

January’s Mini Resolutions
1. No Drive-Thru’s: I refuse to swear off fast food completely… Not because I can’t, but because it is not a truly feasible resolution. I need to set myself up for success, not failure. So, for January (and hopefully longer), I will not use drive-thrus. If I “don’t have enough time to cook” I need to at least take the time to park and walk-in. if I really want something, I need to get off my butt and go get it. At the end of the day, if I can’t spare to the time today… Can I live with the fact that I’m slowly cutting time off of my life?
2. My new thing: Go me; I already did something new this month! I went to the horse races last night… a fun experience, even if I am truly terrible at betting. I like to lose money without thinking about it so much!
3. Bible Study: I’d like to start a bible study for the semester. I am working with a friend to hopefully get this ball rolling!

That’s it for now… hope everyone is ready for an amazing 2010!