Planner.

I am a planner. Or I was a planner. Maybe I’m a mix between a planner and a go-with-the-flow girl. Probably not. I guess as of recently, I’ve been relaxed… or, shall I hazard to say—normal?


Yesterday I was bebopping down to street doing errands for work and reveling in the fact that for once I felt relaxed. My mind was meandering through different topics, but one thought literally stopped me in my tracks (literally).

There is more to life than planning and worrying about tomorrow.

WHAT? Hello, Ashley from even a month ago—LISTEN TO THIS! This thought was such a refreshing change of pace from what usually happens in my head.

Here’s what usually goes on in my brain: "Ugh, I need to send that email. Crud, I forgot to call so and so. I really need to make that reservation. I need to decide on a grad school. Wait, I need to take my GRE. Do I still want a doctorate? Will I have time to cook dinner tonight? Should I run when I get home? Am I getting paler? What time is it? Oh no, I’m running late again. I need to fill up my gas tank. I wonder if I can go see Paige this weekend. I need to CALL Paige. How many kids do I want? I really need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. I wish I had time for a nap. I wonder what kind of house I want to live in. I need to choose what breed of dog I’m getting in a year. When am I going to do my senior portraits? Oh look… a butterfly."

Ok, this may be an exaggeration, but you can imagine how much I worry and plan in my head on a daily basis. It’s a lot. No joke. So, what has changed? What has helped me to shift ever so slightly? I can’t specify one perspective-altering moment, so I will hit all the major points.

• I’ve been given FREEDOM. That’s right… I’m retired from all but one of my office positions and I am free. Don’t get me wrong, I feel very blessed to have served and given back, but I’ve changed. I’ve never been a Resume Renegade, but I feel like that’s what has happened. I may have a nice resume, but that doesn’t mean anything. Yes, I’ll get a job. Yes, I LOVE what I’ve done. But, how does that get me what I truly want? Yeah… it really doesn’t.

• Summertime—I am happier during the summer, therefore I think better and freer.

• The man. Or my man. Or the boyfriend. Wait, did I just say boyfriend? You bet I just did! That’s right… it’s official, and that is still mind boggling to say. In a good way of course : ) Regardless, this whole thing has taught me something amazing. Well, I guess it reaffirmed something. I’ve always known what I wanted in a guy. But it’s taken this whole thing for me to see what God has always known I needed in a guy. I’ve needed someone to balance me and make me see that planning isn’t everything. That thought alone makes me smile… I like being at peace with where I am. I like the peace of knowing that God knows what best for me and my tomorrow is in His hands.

I am still planning, but I don’t feel like I need something concrete. I will decide on grad school when the time comes. I’ll pick a dog later. I’ll worry about marriage and kids and all that when the time is right. These things don’t matter today. What matters is that I am happy. I am content. My heart isn’t frozen in fear and my smile is genuine.

This is the life, and I am loving every moment of it.