Single life.

As a college student and woman, there is one frequently asked question: “Why are you single?”

In the past there has been a long and short answer. Both true to an extent, but not very deep.

Short Answer: “I’m honestly too busy for a guy, and you know—long distance would be best so it wouldn’t be a time commitment. Also, guys here just suck.” (For the record, the guys don’t suck; it’s just a good short answer.)

Long Answer: “I just haven’t found the right guy. I mean, I like this guy or this guy, but they are taken. And I’m not exactly their type of girl. I’d probably be more their type if I weighed less. Besides that point, I don’t think I would be secure enough to be with him… I don’t know if I’d be able to handle him flirting like he does. Who do I think I’m kidding? I’m just not someone he would go for…” (Basically, my ugly self-esteem rears its head again. And I am very good at picking the wrong guys…. Just ask my roommates, they’ve heard all the names and their problems. And there have been some questionable guys on my “liked” list, but we will not go there.)


Tonight though, something bigger and more profound has hit me. I was blessed with a really nice guy to be attracted to me. He knows who he is and I guess for some reason he had feelings for me. Unfortunately, I could not make myself like him. And then I got to thinking… WHY NOT? I mean, hello… There is nothing more I could ask for in a guy, but something kept nudging me. The idea that I did not need a boyfriend kept tapping into my brain. Then I thought about it… Do I really need a boyfriend RIGHT now? Honestly, with all the things I am going through; would a guy help or hinder?

So, the wheels kept turning (I was driving and thinking- double turning wheels, go figure). I am on a big journey in the ways of building my self-esteem. I am trying to find the woman that God has perfected me to be, and I am committed to that path. My fear is not just rejection and heart break, but it goes a little deeper. If I am to truly build up my self-esteem, I need to do it without a guy. The only men allowed in this process should be my family, close guy friends and most importantly—God. I can’t risk me becoming confident just to have it all to fall down like a house of cards because a guy became a part of the foundation.

It dawned on me that it was ridiculous to bring someone into my life when it isn’t where it needs to be. God finally broke into my conscious to show me that I have not had a serious relationship for a reason. I am not as self destructive as I thought, I just have not been ready. I do not know when I will be ready, but it is not now. I have finally come to a true peace with being single because I know I am meant to be single. I even went as far too actually show my relationship status on Facebook… Something I hadn’t been showing because I was ashamed of it.

I am blessed to have come to this conclusion. Thank you to the guy who brought it on, even though I’m sorry you had to take the fall for it. For everyone else, thank you for giving your time to read. I will be driving back home tomorrow, so please keep me in your prayers.

God bless!

Personal worth.

I do not value myself enough.
I do not believe that I can achieve everything.
I have low self-esteem.
I am not important.
I do not love myself; therefore I cannot be loved.


Every single one of these things is how I feel almost every day. I can’t pinpoint when I started feeling this way or why it started. The easiest scapegoat is my weight. And now, at this point in my weight loss I am letting my insecurities and low self-esteem kill me. I am letting it affect me so negatively that I can barely type. My fear of facing this is almost paralyzing… But here I go.

I was reflecting earlier why my weight loss has been so slow in comparison to other bandsters. One recurring theme is that I have been busy. I can’t deny that I’ve been busy because honestly—that’s the number 1 word I use to describe my life… “Busy.” I can justify this by saying that I’ve been helping others, my school and partially my community. My club involvement helps groups of students, my studies help the future students I will teach and I strive to be there for my friends as much as possible. I believe without a doubt that all of this is admirable, but I think I’ve gone overboard. I focus so much on my clubs that I conveniently forget to pack healthy foods or plan in advance to bring healthy alternatives. I use my desire to stay awake in class to give me an excuse to consume too much sugar and grab a bite of fast food. And as much as I love my friends and I truly know God wants me to take care of them; I ignore myself. I fully believe that everyone and everything else is more worthy of my time than I am. This is a problem. In fact, this may been THE problem.

I have let my weight loss desires (okay, needs) fall to the wayside because there are bigger things to be done. Things that honestly have NOTHING to do with me. Yes, I get to positively impact my college. Yes, I have a bright future. And yes, I have an amazing group of people that I am blessed to call my friends. But, really… what use is any of that is I am burdened with weight-related sickness. What use is it if I never find that guy to spend the rest of my life with? What use is any of this is I never truly believe I deserve any of it?

As painful as it is to stand on a scale and see a gain or even the same weight from last week, it feels like home. It’s a reminder that I am ingrained to feel less than amazing. It is such a normal feeling, and my body likes it. My comfort in low self-esteem is ruining my potential. I have set up shop in this mindset and it is keeping me down.

Before I continue, I have a feeling that I know what you are thinking. Most people seeing a bubbly, happy Ashley. Some of you have seen me low or read about my lowest moments, but my positive outlook can seem overwhelming. I do view myself as an optimist, but not towards myself. I find myself putting up a façade of being perfectly okay, and most days I am. But then again, some days I have just fooled myself. I believe in the best of the world and I believe I can achieve anything I set my mind to, but some things are not included in that. I am so used to failure in weight loss that anything gain means nothing… it is just commonplace. Maybe I’ve been hiding my true self because I despise too much negativity, but then again… Maybe I am normal; I just don’t view much about myself to be normal. Insecurities happen; I just conquer them as I should.


So, what now? I know without a doubt that I am fighting a battle within. I battle between the desire to be healthy (and I’ll admit it—desirably), extremely low self-esteem and the strong ability to avoid thinking and doing things just for me. I feel that the next few weeks I spend at home will be greatly needed. I need to reflect on who I am and to do things FOR ME and more importantly, for my health—physically and self-esteem. I need to swim because it makes me happy and healthy. I need to read because it relaxes me. I need to come up with too many plans for too many things because it reminds me that I was blessed with an overactive imagination. I need to spend copious amounts of time with my family because their unconditional love has kept me afloat my entire life.

And almost most importantly, I need to reflect on the woman that God has created in me. I know that God has made a perfect creation in me; I just need to let that come into my thinking every day. He has washed me clean of the girl I was on December 6 through baptism and now I need to grow anew. My faith needs to be my guidance through this process. I know that I am amazing because God designed me. I just need to figure out the pathway between knowing and letting that effect the way I think and view myself.

New entries soon.

I have not done as well as I need to. I will be driving nine hours to get home within the next few days. I will meditate during this time and get back to y’all. I apologize for lacking in enthusiasm…. But I’ll report soon.

Night Routine.

Before I embark on another blog (yes, second one within a 24-hour period!), I wanted to let y’all know that my doctor’s appointment did not happen today. Evidently the doctor was sick and I left the office extremely defeated. I’m already extremely behind in my fill schedule and I can’t get in for another two weeks. That means I will be at 3 months by the time I get a fill. Needless to say I was upset, but after a little crying and talking to my dad, I found the silver lining. But enough about that!

So, I’ve decided to begin a concrete night routine. I’ve shied away from this because my nights are always all over the place, but the time has come. There are 2 things I will do from now on.

First off, I will run/jog/walk/dance every night. I’ve noticed that in addition to good exercise, this keeps me in good spirits. I obviously need exercise and this is the best for me. I can do gyms and the like, but my schedule doesn’t always allow the hoopla involved in a gym run. Therefore, my neighborhood and park will remain my gym for the time being. Tonight I added some upper body work outs at the playground too… I’m sure I looked mighty entertaining, but hey- it worked!

The second (and most important) part of my routine is my Bible time. I’ve never read the entire Bible, so I’ve decided to fix that. I bought a One Year Bible and I am working my way through it… one day at a time. I’m really happy to be doing this because I believe this is extremely important for me. Especially since I have decided that I want to be baptized… that’s right! I want to be baptized and I am meeting with my college minister in a few weeks! This makes me happier than I can explain, but I will be sure to keep the blogosphere informed on this development in my life!

Well, this is it for now. I hope all is well and God bless!

Self-Esteem.

It is so stereotypical to say that as a fat girl I had low self-esteem and considerably less self-confidence. Regardless of how often you here of these problems, this is still something I have been battling lately. It’s always been a fight, but its been a tougher one lately.

Last week I went through my first interview for an internship I really want. I bought a new pair of pants and wore an older sweater I have. As I changed my attitude kept sinking lower and lower. I felt so down on the fact that I wasn’t the stereotypical look of a good intern. There is such a pressure to be perfect that I felt like I was falling into a pit of despair. Okay, that may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but it still felt really bad. I wanted to walk into the interview and just say, “Hey, I’ve lost over 25 pounds and by the time I get to this internship in the fall, I should look even drastically different.” I did not do this, but it kept nudging me in the back of my mind. They all had copies of my resume and application, but what’s to promise that they truly saw that? Was my fat blinding to them? I am extremely blessed that after the interview God’s grace is giving me an incredible sense of peace. I know that he will lead me where I am meant to be and that I should not worry about this single outcome.

Besides interviews and the like, my low self-esteem is leaking into my nonexistent love life. Honestly, I am generally happy with the single life because I generally don’t have time for a guy, but times do change. Blame it on getting older or a change in the people around me, but I’ve been feeling the loneliness lately. And with that I’ve been looking at guys differently. Sadly though, even if I when I feel something, I fight it. I don’t feel good enough about myself to allow myself to like anyone worth liking. I don’t feel pretty enough or smart enough to allow myself feelings. Its getting tiring to be perfectly honest… I know they say that guys who’s focus on the outside are shallow and not worth to time, but it’s still a part of life.

So basically, this is what is going on within my life right now. I have a doctor’s appointment with a bariatrics doctor today! Hopefully I can get a fill soon and get rolling again. I have more info to share, but that will wait till later.

God bless,
Ashley

Food as an Addiction

I know I have been a terrible updater, but on my way home today I knew I needed to confront this obstacle. Before you read further you need to know that this entry will not be as “happy” as the other ones and may be a little much, but everyone has their own problems—this is mine.
I am addicted to food. There is no if, ands, or buts about it. I love food and it does something that is not pretty to me. I can go awhile without having a need to eat anything and everything, but when it hits, it scares me. I guess this has been a part of my life since I could remember… I have childhood memories of sneaking food and always having food on mind. I’m sure there are psychological reasons for why I depend on food so much, but that isn’t important. What is important is understanding I have a problem and taking progressive steps to change or modify it.
Something I’ve been doing is consciously understanding that when I eat “bad,” it’s not the end of the world. I just need to balance what I am doing. I need to run more, run harder, swim longer or swim harder. Basically I need to put the extra calories to work instead of feeling guilty. Guilt does not burn calories, sadly enough. One may think that eating less at other times could work, but that hasn’t been working for me. When I have less calories during the day, I feel like I can binge when I get home. A habit that led me to gain 1.6 pounds last week. A habit I refuse to keep. A habit I will break because I want to, not just because I have to.
This addiction is a scary one… the amount of food I can consume, and have consumed, in short amounts of time when no one is looking is terrifying. My ability to do this is a carefully honed craft, but addictions are never safe. You will probably hear about this multiple times, but at least I am admitting it and sharing. This is my step one….

(And my second step is running tonight to counteract how bad I ate tonight.)

So, I have been a terrible blogger, but I hope to rectify that with another entry today.

Yesterday marked two weeks from my surgery today and I have felt absolutely amazing! Yesterday also brought my second weigh in and a grand total of seventeen pounds lost! I can’t physically tell the difference, but I feel really good. I lost thirteen pounds during week one (thanks a lot liquid diet!) and then 4 pounds this past week. This blog isn’t just about the weight I’ve lost, but about lessons learned as well.

So, I have a few tips… nothing too earth shattering and they aren’t all serious, but free information should always be wanted!

• Let’s be honest, protein and protein shakes is just not always appetizing. So, during this past week I have found two different options that have made the protein supplement experience supremely better. First off, EAS Protein (chocolate) tastes wonderful when combined with warm water. To be perfectly honest, it taste astoundingly like hot chocolate; and who doesn’t love a good cup of hot chocolate—especially if it has some health benefits and 20 grams of proteins? The second tip for protein consumption comes in a morning favorite. If you get some instant coffee and add a school of GNC vanilla or the EAS chocolate, it is not only a good replacement for sugar and creamer, but it also makes a daily ritual healthier.

• I am a huge fan of baking. If not just for the fact of eating, but the calming effect of starting something and finishing it. I feel that while cooking there is a lot of taking some cookie dough here and taking the crumbs when you cut up your brownies… basically we consume a lot of calories without even trying. So, two small tips. When baking cookies, pay the extra to buy the break and bake. Basically you are less likely to eat the cookie dough if it is already cut into perfect squares. And then there is a new contraption for baking brownies. It has dividers in it so your brownies are already cut when they are baked. Another fabulous way to avoid picking at crumbs for continuously cutting yourself an extra little sliver.

So, there are my two tips for the day. They are fairly lengthy, but hopefully they are partially helpful. Best of luck and God bless!

& the Blessings Keep Coming.

As I have continued on my journey, I have become more aware of the blessings that are surrounding me. These blessings, big and small, are weaving themselves as a cocoon of protection around me. I can’t thank the Lord or those around me enough for what they have been doing for me, purposely or not.

First off, my friends that have found out about the surgery have been absolutely amazing. The amount of people who care to discuss what I am going through has been a huge relief. Knowing that people believe in me and love me for who I am, not what I weigh, is such a relief. I always knew that my friends liked me for me, but then has just shone a light on it once again. As my first week turns into my first month and year, I know I will continue to cherish the friends who believe in me.

Another blessing came from a suggestion of a friend. She told me to check out www.lapbandtalk.com. I had no clue what to expect, but this is a tool that has been invaluable thus far. I stumbled upon the chatroom on the website and it was like finding home. I found people who understand the battles of being overweight and that have or want to truly change the direction of their lives. These people, from their many different places and backgrounds, understand what I am going through. This is something that has made me feel so secure in what I am doing. They are also amazing in the fact that they can answer some pretty intense and random questions. This is a tool that I am incredibly blessed to have.

I was also blessed with family members that understand weight problems. From people who have had the lap band to those who have dealt with their weight in other ways, it’s great to have those resources to talk to. I’ve had two wonderful conversations with two separate family members that have given me great insight and strength. These two know who they are. Also my parents and brother have been amazing in their support for me. They are doubly amazing for putting up with me as I’ve recovered from surgery. Patience is a virtue they definitely have to have put up with me!

There are many other things that I have been blessed with, but I guess we should save those for next time! Once morning rolls around I will weigh in for the first time- wish me luck!

God bless

Post surgery.

It’s taken me awhile to get my brain back into blogging mode because I’ve been up and down since my surgery. This entry will be relatively long, so we will start a few days ago.

So, I didn’t get my official surgery time till last Tuesday. I was a little freaked because my surgery was to be on Friday and I was just convinced that everything would fall apart. When I got the call I was just in shock… I was relieved, excited, but incredibly nervous. I was still worried about the fact that things wouldn’t go right. I had all the scenarios that led to me not getting the band and always being my overweight self. I am a big time worrier, so this was not much of a surprise to me.

Fast forward to Friday, also known as surgery day. My mom took me to the surgery center and I went in for all my pre-op preparations. All the glory of getting into a stylish gown, peeing in a cup, starting my IV and getting situated in my bed. It wasn’t until I was on the bed that I truly got sad. As they took me into the operating room and moved me to the operating table, it hit me… this is conceding defeat. No matter how strong I am or how much good I have done, this is failure. I started crying as they put me under and I went into surgery.
The second I woke up from surgery, my first question was: Do I have it? And viola, I was a newly banded 20 year old. The nurses got me up slowly and I had to drink a small amount of water. Then after a bit I was moved to a different chair and then taken to do a swallow test. Evidently my band was perfect, or that’s what they said. After a simultaneously long and short time in post-op I was allowed to go home. The entire ride home I was in pain and remained that way until my dad got home with some amazing pain meds. My first day was a slight blur of sleep, well wishes and a lot of support.

The weekend went by with minimal excitement, but Sunday night was a bad one. I’m not sure what brought it on, but I just started bawling. Literally. My pre-op insecurities came flooding back to me and I couldn’t stop it. I knew I needed this surgery and that it was a blessing from God, but I still felt overwhelmingly like a failure. I know most people say that crying does not help anything, but it did for me. I acknowledged how I felt and then God showed me some very important things. It became evident that this surgery was not just for me. Yes I need to be healthy and more confident, but there are people around me that can benefit from this surgery. There are people out there that I can help by helping myself. This revelation changed everything for me and I am incredibly blessed.

So here I am, on day 4 and I am doing good. I am hungry, but I am keeping food down. I have only thrown up once and that was one day one after moving too much. I feel like this is the best thing I could have done and I’m extremely happy.

Change Concern.

Last Thursday I went in to get some preliminary labs done. I went through an Upper GI and EKG. As I was lying on the x-ray table drinking a disgusting liquid called Barium, everything became frightening real. I know the ins & outs of this surgery and the mental and physical ramifications of the surgery… but it is still extremely huge and scary to think about. I know that I am meant to do this, but it is still scary.

A few weeks ago I finally told one of my best friends about the surgery. I took the easy way and just texted him because I was so worried. Worrying about what people might say is a huge burden that I do not want to carry anymore. I won’t “go live” with this blog until I actually get the surgery in the off chance that it does not happen. I am entirely too cautious, I know.

Anyway, back to my friend. Yesterday we talked about the surgery and I confided my fear of the changes to him and God blessed me with an amazing response… he said, “It’s not like you are going to be a different person… you will still be caring, quirky, involved, and fun!”

Such a simple message did so many things for me. I am at peace with who I am, but it’s amazing to see that others are as well. And the reassurance is priceless.
Tomorrow I go in to do blood work and I guess the countdown begins. A week from Friday is the day. Woah

Dates.

Throughout out this entire process there have been some significant dates. Here are three.

May 28th, 2009: Insurance Company called and said I was denied.
June 1st, 2009: Insurance called back and I was approved.
June 26th, 2009: Got the call, my surgery is scheduled for July 31st, 2009.

Questions & Answers.

This decision is huge, but an even bigger challenge is helping others to understand what I will be going through and more importantly, why.

• What is the Lap Band surgery and what does it entail?
The placement of the band creates a stoma, or small pouch at the top of the stomach that holds approximately 110 to 220 grams of food each meal. This pouch fills with food quickly and the band slows the passage of food from the pouch to the lower part of the stomach. As the upper part of the stomach registers as full, the message to the brain is that the entire stomach is full and this sensation helps the person to be hungry less often, to feel full more quickly and for a longer period of time, to eat smaller portions, and lose weight over time.

The band is inflated/adjusted via a small access port placed just under the skin. Saline solution is introduced into the band via the port. A specialized non-coring needle is used to avoid damage to the port membrane. There are many port designs and they may be placed in varying positions based on the surgeon’s preference. The port is sutured or stapled, in case of the RealizeBand into place. When saline is introduced into the band it expands, placing pressure around the outside of the stomach. Gastric Bands usually can hold 8 to 10 cc of saline. This decreases the size of the passage between the pouch and the lower stomach, and further restricts the movement of food. (Wikipedia)


• What’s wrong with a normal diet?
There is nothing wrong with a normal diet, but dieting is different for everybody. For a person that has reached the weight that I am at, getting that jump start is not easy. It’s not easy to exercise and self control is not always the easiest thing to develop. I have lived this lifestyle my entire life, and getting this surgery will give me that not-so-gentle reminder and push the stick with my guns. And with this point, I have begun a work-out regime. I’ve been at it for two weeks now and hopefully by the time I get this surgery done, working out will be a habit and not a challenge.

• Do you really think that this is the answer?
This surgery is almost an answer to my prayers. I have always felt that God has led me in the life I live and that when the time was right, I would find what it took for me to lose the weight. In a way, being overweight has strengthened me. I could never depend on my looks to get me places, so I have worked hard to be successful in all my endeavors. This surgery and lifestyle change is what I need and I truly feel that this is what God wants me to do. It’s time for me to be me, not the me that includes all the extra pounds.

• Why now?
If you know me, you know that I want more than anything to be an ag teacher or to work for FFA. Both of these potential jobs require a lot of time and effort. I feel that if I don’t take care of my weight now, I may be jeopardizing my life later. I am currently healthy and able to live my life to the fullest, but if I continue my life on this path… I may not end so well. I do not want to lose this weight just to look good; I want it for health reasons. Not that I will complain about the added self-confidence!

This is all for now… if there are any more questions, let me know!

Beginning.

There is a distinct beginning to this process that I am about to embark on. This event did not scream at me to change my life, but it started a chain of events that could change my life like I never imagined possible.

It was an icy day in West Texas and as luck would have it we were granted a few free hours before we were due to class. But as for me, my luck would end there. While walking to class I fell. I’m not talking about tripping and hopping back up. I’m talking about all 300 plus pounds of my hurtling towards the icy grounds and twisting my knee in the process. Of all the pains I have endured in my short 20 years, the pain that a bum knees gives me makes me wish I was normal… weight wise. This is the one thing my mom also knows makes me regret the life I have become accustomed to. A few days into my recovery process my mom broached a topic with me. She was hesitant in what she was bringing up, but I listened. She said that my dad knew someone who could make it possible to get the lap band surgery done. In all honesty I had never even considered surgical means to fix my weight problem. Surgeries are for the rich and I never dared to dream this to happen. But evidently insurance companies support these surgeries in this larger society, so I said yes... We were on the road to seeing what could happen.

This is where my story begins, this is the catalyst and where my drastic waist changes are put into motion.