Personal worth.

I do not value myself enough.
I do not believe that I can achieve everything.
I have low self-esteem.
I am not important.
I do not love myself; therefore I cannot be loved.


Every single one of these things is how I feel almost every day. I can’t pinpoint when I started feeling this way or why it started. The easiest scapegoat is my weight. And now, at this point in my weight loss I am letting my insecurities and low self-esteem kill me. I am letting it affect me so negatively that I can barely type. My fear of facing this is almost paralyzing… But here I go.

I was reflecting earlier why my weight loss has been so slow in comparison to other bandsters. One recurring theme is that I have been busy. I can’t deny that I’ve been busy because honestly—that’s the number 1 word I use to describe my life… “Busy.” I can justify this by saying that I’ve been helping others, my school and partially my community. My club involvement helps groups of students, my studies help the future students I will teach and I strive to be there for my friends as much as possible. I believe without a doubt that all of this is admirable, but I think I’ve gone overboard. I focus so much on my clubs that I conveniently forget to pack healthy foods or plan in advance to bring healthy alternatives. I use my desire to stay awake in class to give me an excuse to consume too much sugar and grab a bite of fast food. And as much as I love my friends and I truly know God wants me to take care of them; I ignore myself. I fully believe that everyone and everything else is more worthy of my time than I am. This is a problem. In fact, this may been THE problem.

I have let my weight loss desires (okay, needs) fall to the wayside because there are bigger things to be done. Things that honestly have NOTHING to do with me. Yes, I get to positively impact my college. Yes, I have a bright future. And yes, I have an amazing group of people that I am blessed to call my friends. But, really… what use is any of that is I am burdened with weight-related sickness. What use is it if I never find that guy to spend the rest of my life with? What use is any of this is I never truly believe I deserve any of it?

As painful as it is to stand on a scale and see a gain or even the same weight from last week, it feels like home. It’s a reminder that I am ingrained to feel less than amazing. It is such a normal feeling, and my body likes it. My comfort in low self-esteem is ruining my potential. I have set up shop in this mindset and it is keeping me down.

Before I continue, I have a feeling that I know what you are thinking. Most people seeing a bubbly, happy Ashley. Some of you have seen me low or read about my lowest moments, but my positive outlook can seem overwhelming. I do view myself as an optimist, but not towards myself. I find myself putting up a façade of being perfectly okay, and most days I am. But then again, some days I have just fooled myself. I believe in the best of the world and I believe I can achieve anything I set my mind to, but some things are not included in that. I am so used to failure in weight loss that anything gain means nothing… it is just commonplace. Maybe I’ve been hiding my true self because I despise too much negativity, but then again… Maybe I am normal; I just don’t view much about myself to be normal. Insecurities happen; I just conquer them as I should.


So, what now? I know without a doubt that I am fighting a battle within. I battle between the desire to be healthy (and I’ll admit it—desirably), extremely low self-esteem and the strong ability to avoid thinking and doing things just for me. I feel that the next few weeks I spend at home will be greatly needed. I need to reflect on who I am and to do things FOR ME and more importantly, for my health—physically and self-esteem. I need to swim because it makes me happy and healthy. I need to read because it relaxes me. I need to come up with too many plans for too many things because it reminds me that I was blessed with an overactive imagination. I need to spend copious amounts of time with my family because their unconditional love has kept me afloat my entire life.

And almost most importantly, I need to reflect on the woman that God has created in me. I know that God has made a perfect creation in me; I just need to let that come into my thinking every day. He has washed me clean of the girl I was on December 6 through baptism and now I need to grow anew. My faith needs to be my guidance through this process. I know that I am amazing because God designed me. I just need to figure out the pathway between knowing and letting that effect the way I think and view myself.