Single life.

As a college student and woman, there is one frequently asked question: “Why are you single?”

In the past there has been a long and short answer. Both true to an extent, but not very deep.

Short Answer: “I’m honestly too busy for a guy, and you know—long distance would be best so it wouldn’t be a time commitment. Also, guys here just suck.” (For the record, the guys don’t suck; it’s just a good short answer.)

Long Answer: “I just haven’t found the right guy. I mean, I like this guy or this guy, but they are taken. And I’m not exactly their type of girl. I’d probably be more their type if I weighed less. Besides that point, I don’t think I would be secure enough to be with him… I don’t know if I’d be able to handle him flirting like he does. Who do I think I’m kidding? I’m just not someone he would go for…” (Basically, my ugly self-esteem rears its head again. And I am very good at picking the wrong guys…. Just ask my roommates, they’ve heard all the names and their problems. And there have been some questionable guys on my “liked” list, but we will not go there.)


Tonight though, something bigger and more profound has hit me. I was blessed with a really nice guy to be attracted to me. He knows who he is and I guess for some reason he had feelings for me. Unfortunately, I could not make myself like him. And then I got to thinking… WHY NOT? I mean, hello… There is nothing more I could ask for in a guy, but something kept nudging me. The idea that I did not need a boyfriend kept tapping into my brain. Then I thought about it… Do I really need a boyfriend RIGHT now? Honestly, with all the things I am going through; would a guy help or hinder?

So, the wheels kept turning (I was driving and thinking- double turning wheels, go figure). I am on a big journey in the ways of building my self-esteem. I am trying to find the woman that God has perfected me to be, and I am committed to that path. My fear is not just rejection and heart break, but it goes a little deeper. If I am to truly build up my self-esteem, I need to do it without a guy. The only men allowed in this process should be my family, close guy friends and most importantly—God. I can’t risk me becoming confident just to have it all to fall down like a house of cards because a guy became a part of the foundation.

It dawned on me that it was ridiculous to bring someone into my life when it isn’t where it needs to be. God finally broke into my conscious to show me that I have not had a serious relationship for a reason. I am not as self destructive as I thought, I just have not been ready. I do not know when I will be ready, but it is not now. I have finally come to a true peace with being single because I know I am meant to be single. I even went as far too actually show my relationship status on Facebook… Something I hadn’t been showing because I was ashamed of it.

I am blessed to have come to this conclusion. Thank you to the guy who brought it on, even though I’m sorry you had to take the fall for it. For everyone else, thank you for giving your time to read. I will be driving back home tomorrow, so please keep me in your prayers.

God bless!

Personal worth.

I do not value myself enough.
I do not believe that I can achieve everything.
I have low self-esteem.
I am not important.
I do not love myself; therefore I cannot be loved.


Every single one of these things is how I feel almost every day. I can’t pinpoint when I started feeling this way or why it started. The easiest scapegoat is my weight. And now, at this point in my weight loss I am letting my insecurities and low self-esteem kill me. I am letting it affect me so negatively that I can barely type. My fear of facing this is almost paralyzing… But here I go.

I was reflecting earlier why my weight loss has been so slow in comparison to other bandsters. One recurring theme is that I have been busy. I can’t deny that I’ve been busy because honestly—that’s the number 1 word I use to describe my life… “Busy.” I can justify this by saying that I’ve been helping others, my school and partially my community. My club involvement helps groups of students, my studies help the future students I will teach and I strive to be there for my friends as much as possible. I believe without a doubt that all of this is admirable, but I think I’ve gone overboard. I focus so much on my clubs that I conveniently forget to pack healthy foods or plan in advance to bring healthy alternatives. I use my desire to stay awake in class to give me an excuse to consume too much sugar and grab a bite of fast food. And as much as I love my friends and I truly know God wants me to take care of them; I ignore myself. I fully believe that everyone and everything else is more worthy of my time than I am. This is a problem. In fact, this may been THE problem.

I have let my weight loss desires (okay, needs) fall to the wayside because there are bigger things to be done. Things that honestly have NOTHING to do with me. Yes, I get to positively impact my college. Yes, I have a bright future. And yes, I have an amazing group of people that I am blessed to call my friends. But, really… what use is any of that is I am burdened with weight-related sickness. What use is it if I never find that guy to spend the rest of my life with? What use is any of this is I never truly believe I deserve any of it?

As painful as it is to stand on a scale and see a gain or even the same weight from last week, it feels like home. It’s a reminder that I am ingrained to feel less than amazing. It is such a normal feeling, and my body likes it. My comfort in low self-esteem is ruining my potential. I have set up shop in this mindset and it is keeping me down.

Before I continue, I have a feeling that I know what you are thinking. Most people seeing a bubbly, happy Ashley. Some of you have seen me low or read about my lowest moments, but my positive outlook can seem overwhelming. I do view myself as an optimist, but not towards myself. I find myself putting up a façade of being perfectly okay, and most days I am. But then again, some days I have just fooled myself. I believe in the best of the world and I believe I can achieve anything I set my mind to, but some things are not included in that. I am so used to failure in weight loss that anything gain means nothing… it is just commonplace. Maybe I’ve been hiding my true self because I despise too much negativity, but then again… Maybe I am normal; I just don’t view much about myself to be normal. Insecurities happen; I just conquer them as I should.


So, what now? I know without a doubt that I am fighting a battle within. I battle between the desire to be healthy (and I’ll admit it—desirably), extremely low self-esteem and the strong ability to avoid thinking and doing things just for me. I feel that the next few weeks I spend at home will be greatly needed. I need to reflect on who I am and to do things FOR ME and more importantly, for my health—physically and self-esteem. I need to swim because it makes me happy and healthy. I need to read because it relaxes me. I need to come up with too many plans for too many things because it reminds me that I was blessed with an overactive imagination. I need to spend copious amounts of time with my family because their unconditional love has kept me afloat my entire life.

And almost most importantly, I need to reflect on the woman that God has created in me. I know that God has made a perfect creation in me; I just need to let that come into my thinking every day. He has washed me clean of the girl I was on December 6 through baptism and now I need to grow anew. My faith needs to be my guidance through this process. I know that I am amazing because God designed me. I just need to figure out the pathway between knowing and letting that effect the way I think and view myself.

New entries soon.

I have not done as well as I need to. I will be driving nine hours to get home within the next few days. I will meditate during this time and get back to y’all. I apologize for lacking in enthusiasm…. But I’ll report soon.